Bottle It Up

[apassingafternoon]

Kaine didn't see Nariko after she returned to the palace. There would have been something oddly poignant about sharing the entire experience, speaking a bit frankly about it, but Kaine wanted to hold it to herself for a little while longer. In the end that was for the best. Sekht and Fyra's wedding was held in the morning and they all stood for it and then danced for it. Everything should have been goddamn peachy. There was no more pressure or tension in her general atmosphere, just the understandable, acceptable level of regret and acceptance. Kaine could deal with that.

What she couldn't fucking deal with was Nariko. Oh, sure, she smiled and clapped and when Sekht playfully asked her for a dance but every warning sign in the book was on full display. Her smile was hollow, her polite manner far too restrained. The natural ease that she'd found with Roland was nowhere to be found, in fact she seemed far too content with pretending he wasn't even anywhere near her. And maybe the obnoxious sleeves of her shirt - it was fucking insane that anyone could be unaffected by this heat - hid her left hand but Kaine saw the black chord around her neck and in that voiceless, deep way she had always possessed when it came to Nariko, Kaine knew that the other woman's wedding ring was hiding underneath her clothes.

This was some bullshit and Kaine, free of her nervousness and caution, was real fucking tired of pussyfooting around here.

So the wedding party continued but Kaine wasn't around to enjoy the latter half of it. She had dragged Nariko off and then returned alone.

Livid didn't begin to describe how she felt. But she made her way over to Bert anyway, jaw clenched tight and her arms folded even tighter.

"I need you to do something for me."

Comments

[askthelookout]

Bert had been enjoying himself a fair amount, learning dance moves off some rather genial locals and teaching some of Gilead's dances in return. When he saw Kaine heading towards him, he was busily gyrating in Alain's direction, laughing and flushed. His laughter died on his lips, though, when he saw her expression, and although he smiled and joked as he excused himself from the little group he'd gathered around him, his smile was gone as soon as he came to meet her.

"You'll have to be more specific," he said, with a little shrug. "What is it?"

[apassingafternoon]

For an instant she felt bad about interrupting his good time but it did nothing to soften her to the situation as a whole. Relaxing her shoulders took physical effort but she did it in order to take money from the pocket of her obnoxiously tiny shorts. "This is about eighty bucks, it's enough to buy a kitten from the pet shop that's around the corner from where we were yesterday." Where they had awesome sex. That's what that meant!

"I need you to buy a cute one and give it to Nariko. She's in the room at the end of the hall, not Roland's." She held it out to him while trying to force her body to relax. "And just be nice to her, please. Just make sure she gets it and let me know she hasn't offed herself. It doesn't have to be right this second," He really had been enjoying himself after all. "But maybe soon." Because of the aforementioned concern here.

[askthelookout]

He looked down at the money, then up to her again. "And the reason I'm taking this, and not you, is...?" It wasn't meant to be a criticism, just genuine lack of understanding. "I hope you're not expecting me to give her an insight into the Roland situation. I had to hear about it from Alain, and you can be damned sure Roland didn't tell him out loud." He raked one hand back through his sweaty hair, frowning. "I'm not saying I won't do it. I'm just saying... me? Really? Because as I recall, most of the last few times I've opened my mouth it's only been to switch feet."

[apassingafternoon]

"Because I don't want anything else thrown at my head, her aim is ridiculous and I am only so fast." To say that Nariko hadn't agreed with Kaine's take on the situation was a gross, unbelievable understatement. "She'll get over it, but for now it's better that I stay away for a few more hours and try again later. I'm sure Nariko would chew her arm off before saying it to your face but you're attractive and, yes, you suck at talking to her but who doesn't want a cute guy showing up with an equally cute animal? Besides, you're the only one she's gone out of her way for anyway, might as well use it all to my advantage if I can."

Of course she was leaving out the next person on her list. Kaine and Roland had about as much success as Cuthbert and Nariko did. In a way this would keep Bert busy while she had a little chat with his 'dinh'. "Besides, no one can turn down you and cute, innocent furry animals. That's just life. Your hair really brings it together." Just in case he needed a reminder that it was one of her favorite parts of him.

[askthelookout]

"Your obsession with my hair can't be healthy," Bert commented lightly, but he nodded, giving her a smile as reassuring as he could muster. "I'll take care of it. Just don't be surprised if I panic and start making dumb jokes about what an ass Roland is." Shrugging, he touched her arm briefly and raised an eyebrow. "If you talk to Roland, don't make those jokes. Man has no sense of humour."

[apassingafternoon]

"I think if you can get her to laugh or even vaguely open up I'll wear the smallest skirt in any known world and strip for you, Bert." Because offering sexual fun in exchange for handling emotional situations was completely normal.

"Believe me, everything I plan on saying will be very direct, nothing else." She leaned up to kiss him short and sweet, her smile finally as genuine as it was stressed. "Thank you."

[askthelookout]

He quirked an eyebrow. "Now there's an incentive," he murmured, and kissed her back, tracing his thumb over the line of her jaw. "Anyroad, tell me if he says anything too stupid. I'll black his eye for you. Fuck knows he needs it sometimes." He was mostly joking. Mostly.

Straightening up, he pushed his hair back again, nodding to her. "Kitten. Nariko. Get her to smile. I'm on it." Another brief kiss, and he headed off into the crowd, darting through the press of dancers.

He was as good as his word, too. Nor did he waste any time; it was maybe half an hour at most before he knocked on Nariko's door, trying to balance a little ginger cat in one arm and stop it from batting at his hair.

I basically redid everything I am sorry for all the notifications!!

[gunslingerqueen]

Kaine was more than sure Roland would say something obnoxious, but she was prepared and that had to count for something. They both left at the same time, him in one direction and Kaine in another. Nariko remained exactly as she was despite Bert's knocking sometime later. From the other side Nariko stared at the wooden door and then resolved herself to answer the damn thing. Her eyes were red rimmed but her expression was even, though she raised a brow at the cat and who held it.

"I feel like this is some inside joke that I'm not aware of." The only other person whose presence would make even less sense was Roland himself. "And why do you have a cat?" And why was it adorable and tiny? She tilted her head a bit, a vague little habit that put her new hairstyle on display. Most all of that ankle-length hair was now chopped off, it barely crossed the line of her shoulders and still appeared a bit uneven. She was talented with a gun, a sewing needle, and drinks, but not scissors.

no worries!

[askthelookout]

"She's a present," Bert said gravely, holding the cat out. It mewed plaintively, and he raised one eyebrow at it, then looked back up at Nariko. "Kaine said you might need something to cheer you up, and I've been sent as an emissary. I think it's because if you throw things at me, I can dodge," he added cheekily, flashing her a grin, then shook his head. "I'm also here to offer my services as someone to badmouth Roland to. As someone else who loves him and knows just what a bedamned ass he is."

[gunslingerqueen]

A present that greatly preferred Bert, apparently. Nariko stared at the little ball of fluff but ultimately couldn't help herself. She took it from him and let it sit awkwardly on her chest while her fingers petted just behind its little ears. Upset or not she could feel herself relaxing. She could be mad at Roland, at herself, at her parents, but never something so cute and innocent. It was some weird mental trigger.

"It's because she knows that trying to force me to do anything doesn't work. She's making it all into something it doesn't need to be and I have a right to be upset about it." But that was also between herself and Kaine, there was no pulling Bert into it so she let he topic go and stepped back to let him in..

"More importantly, what is there to badmouth? He's being himself and I was the idiot. A lot of this is my fault." Which, of course, was what had infuriated Kaine so much. "Now the four of you are back together." Nariko shrugged but for such a short gesture it seemed as depressed as she felt. She kept playing with the kitten, though, letting it gnaw on her fingers. "If that makes you all happy then I don't think it's the world ending affair Kaine does."

[askthelookout]

"Oh, come now." Bert wagged his finger, shaking his head. "There's always something to badmouth about Roland. Here, I'll start. He's grumpy and moody and trying to get him to feel human emotion is like trying to make a brick wall smile. Oh, and he never washes behind his ears." Nudging the door closed behind him as he stepped in, he slung an arm companionably around her shoulders. "I can probably think of some more things to complain about if you let me. You should probably shut me up."

[gunslingerqueen]

Surely the universe was on its rightful axis if Bert could still coax the tiniest of smiles out of her, even if she did bite the inside of her cheek to drown it. The sudden closeness was ... Odd, but if he wasn't overdoing himself then Nariko couldn't complain. Their newest addition, who she had now deemed as 'Sonia', crawled up her shoulder and meowed at Bert.

"I might not have known about the ear thing. Does being irritated at trying to even vaguely talk to him fall under the human emotion umbrella?" That's her hesitant contribution. "Or feeling like a complete failure for wanting to ask for help or at least maybe not deal with multiple assholes by yourself? Or telling him to his face that something is a bad idea and one person's life isn't worth hundreds so why ignore that to begin with?"

Okay, there was all of that, too.

[askthelookout]

"God and the Man Jesus, tell me about it!" Bert grinned, although there was a certain brittleness to his cheerful tone. "Last time we had to have that conversation with him, I had to punch him right in the face to get him to listen. Not that I'm saying it wasn't satisfying, kennit?" He laughed, reaching over to scratch the kitten between the ears. "And that thing he does, where he gives you that look and you feel six inches tall? I'll tell you a secret, Nariko, learnt through twenty years of suffering; half the time when he does that, it's only because he has no idea what he's doing and he's too proud to say so."

[apassingafternoon]

She went to find Roland.

Sure, Kaine stopped a few times to make herself breathe, to dedicate herself towards a level of composure. She wouldn't prove Nariko right this time nor would she mess up what she had with Bert because of one stupid, irritating, ridiculous, emotionally constipated dumbass - No, see, this was what she needed to avoid! Kaine had to be reasonable even if it hurt, even though her worry felt as if it might drown her. If that didn't do the trick then her disappointment would finish things. For as difficult as Roland was she'd had faith in them, in him, but obviously that had been a bad decision.

She held onto the pain of it instead of the anger so that when she tracked him down, ignoring Susan if she had to, it was easy to speak clearly and firmly. "We need to talk this instant."

Lucky for Roland it wouldn't be a difficult talk or a particularly long one. There was no more room for his fumbling around, and Kaine was nowhere near as patient and understanding as her elder other half. Now he was just going to have to shut the fuck up and obey.

[toweredingly]

Roland was sitting at the edge of the dancefloor, alone. He'd danced a few turns, for appearance's sake more than anything else, but being in the mood he was in, he wasn't exactly celebrating. Susan was nowhere to be seen, which was a small blessing for Kaine, since she would certainly have stepped in if she'd been there. Instead, Roland just looked up, shrugged one shoulder, and tossed back the rest of his drink.

"Then talk," he said simply. "I'm listening."

[apassingafternoon]

"We're leaving soon and I can only think that Susan is coming with us. So we'll go and we'll make sure there's a way to get back that doesn't end in losing limbs. I'm sure we'll get answers too. But I'm keeping Nariko here. I know she made a promise to you but I'll be the one fulfilling it. That's easier than watching this shit. When it comes down to the moment if you try to stop me I'll knock whatever's left in your head out of your brain."

It was really that simple.

"You don't want to pay attention to what's going on? That's fine. But I don't leave people to fucking fend for themselves. But now you don't have to worry about it." She even threw in a fucking smile! Kaine was the best at this.

[toweredingly]

"I wouldn't try to stop you," Roland replied flatly. Flatly, but with a certain dangerous undercurrent of anger which was almost unnoticeable. "I've forced us back together once. If ka wants us apart, well, I guess it'll happen." It was clear, and understandably so, that he was unhappy with that. It was equally clear that he meant it. He wasn't about to step in now. Part of him, endlessly weary even at his young age, said that you could only follow someone, not force them to follow you. Nor, if he was honest, did he altogether want any of them to. You will lose all that you love...

"When it comes down to the moment," he said after a little while, "I swear to you, I will not force her to anything she doesn't want to. And nor will you. What comes after that..." He shrugged. "There'll be water if God wills it."

[apassingafternoon]

"This hasn't got shit to do with ka, Roland. Ka doesn't make someone feel as if they have to step away from their husband to help put him back right. And ka isn't what's going to separate you either, nor is it what gave you the chance to save her. You are doing the former and the crazy bitch we have to convince to take us back did the latter. Interestingly enough there are other valid forces that have nothing to do with ka. One of them is called accountability and I really wish Mid-World had a class on it."

Whether she noticed his anger or not Kaine did absolutely nothing to curb the sharp edge of her voice. It wasn't like her to yell and throw a tantrum but she could inject poison into everything if she felt like it. And since he was just so magically unaffected by everything then he wouldn't mind one way or another!

"What I do and don't force isn't really your business unless it's about Cuthbert. I don't want to have to fight with you both, that's the only reason I bothered to say a word." Because for as unsettled and disappointed as Kaine was, and for as much as Nariko didn't believe it? Kaine still couldn't help wondering what he might actually pull at the very last second when this became reality. That some idle bit of hope remained was laughable but, hey, she was an optimist.

[toweredingly]

The trouble was that injecting poison into conversation with Roland was that the more toxic you were, the more stonily implacable he tended to become. This was no exception. His face hardened a little, his voice cool and flat. "You're right. You don't." He got to his feet, looking down at her. "But it is my business. Not just as concerns Cuthbert. Nariko is part of my ka-tet. She's my wife. And until she - not you, she - tells me otherwise, that's how it's going to stay. What happens at the end of this will happen. You can curse me for it all you want, tell me it's not ka, but until it happens, you don't know what it is." He reached out, gripping her shoulder, his blue eyes boring into her. "As for what's separating us, you tell me this: if it came to a choice between Nariko and Cuthbert, would you find it so easy?"

[apassingafternoon]

The hilarity of it was that he'd already been told as much, but Roland was not the kind of person who paid much attention to anything that didn't have to do with survival. Kaine wasn't surprised that he couldn't see what was coming, and it was why she barely reacted his hard stare, or his grip.

"Of course I wouldn't, it'd feel painful and I'd almost sooner die than pick one or the other." And it was true because she loved them both so much that it hurt, even scared her occasionally. "But this isn't about a choice in fact it hasn't got shit to do with that. Have you ever known her to be the kind of person who won't fight? Because while I know differently, I'm pretty sure she never gave up on Gilead, on winning them over or saving it in front of you. So a better question might be: Why is someone who is so naturally determined and hardheaded stepping down instead of fighting for you? Because I'll tell you the latter is far more in character than this subservient, degrading bullshit."

[toweredingly]

"I've not known her so long as you," Roland said, very coolly, and let go of her. One dark eyebrow arched, and he folded his arms, looking down at her. "But I've a sense you know the answer to that question. So tell me."

Not that he wasn't considering it. He was, and would continue to, letting the question tick over in his mind for a good long time while his thoughts ground away at it, slow but exceeding fine. But for now, he was interested to know what she thought on the subject - not that you would have guessed it, from the stony immobility of his face.

[apassingafternoon]

"I should make you figure it out yourself but we might all be dead by then." It wasn't even exactly meant as an insult. The man was a slow thinker to his core and if you paired that with an inability to read between even the thinnest of lines, and on top of him simply being a man ... Really, it was almost as if everything was against him figuring people out. Almost.

"Because she sees herself as some awkward placeholder for the space Susan should have been in, and she thinks that's how you see her, too. It's great that you can get along and it's great if there are things you like about her but, Roland, if you sit in front of someone and say 'if not for her I would have loved you with that same intensity' then they're always going to know their best is still worthless just because they aren't who you really wanted. If you pair that on top of the fact that she's been told she's worthless scum all her goddamn life its begging for an outcome like this."

Kaine rubbed the back of her neck, looking a bit weary despite herself. "For her to lay down her pride and her morals and do something that might make you happy, even if it makes her suffer, that's about the greatest display of love someone like Nariko can express. It's harder to let you go than it is to hold on, and it's necessary in a way because even if you could have both Nariko would still feel like the - whatever you call mistresses in your world. Just the woman you sort of idly keep around to maintain your vows."

roland you're a butt

[toweredingly]

That was a poor choice of words. It wouldn't have been so bad, except that Hambry was a wound too freshly reopened, too close to the conversation. Shiveens and side-wives... those weren't things he wanted to think about. Not in a conversation including Susan. Roland's eyes hardened. "She's no gilly. She ought to know that. Just as she ought to know that if I wanted to free her from our vows, I would. She told me herself that they were vows made to Gilead and the Eld, and both are gone."

[apassingafternoon]

It would have been a poor choice of words if Kaine hadn't meant to say them, or if they hadn't been right. Somewhere along the line she had crossed over from 'vaguely implying things' to 'taking the words right out of Nariko's head'. It was a little difficult to avoid when there was nothing to stop the constant flow of shared thoughts, but in hindsight she would end up paying for it later one way or another. Oh well.

"At least she didn't half-ass the dialogue." That might not have been a satisfying answer but it was all Kaine could think of for a second. "If you could somehow possess enough determination to show even a third of the passion she feels for you then I'd bet all the coin to my name that she wouldn't be able to repeat any of that with a straight goddamn face, Roland. You don't really know her but consider how well she might know you. Gods knows she stared at you longingly enough to have picked up a thing or two."

[toweredingly]

"If I showed a third of that passion..." Roland began, and cut himself off, his jaw working tautly under his skin. For a moment, he was quiet, then he said in a rather lower tone, "My passion has a tendency to get people killed. If you think she knows me, then she ought to know that. Just ask Susan."

And that was more than enough of that conversation for him. Pulling himself up to his full height, he turned on his heel, aiming to walk away and lose himself in the crowd for a while.