Bottle It Up

[apassingafternoon]

Kaine didn't see Nariko after she returned to the palace. There would have been something oddly poignant about sharing the entire experience, speaking a bit frankly about it, but Kaine wanted to hold it to herself for a little while longer. In the end that was for the best. Sekht and Fyra's wedding was held in the morning and they all stood for it and then danced for it. Everything should have been goddamn peachy. There was no more pressure or tension in her general atmosphere, just the understandable, acceptable level of regret and acceptance. Kaine could deal with that.

What she couldn't fucking deal with was Nariko. Oh, sure, she smiled and clapped and when Sekht playfully asked her for a dance but every warning sign in the book was on full display. Her smile was hollow, her polite manner far too restrained. The natural ease that she'd found with Roland was nowhere to be found, in fact she seemed far too content with pretending he wasn't even anywhere near her. And maybe the obnoxious sleeves of her shirt - it was fucking insane that anyone could be unaffected by this heat - hid her left hand but Kaine saw the black chord around her neck and in that voiceless, deep way she had always possessed when it came to Nariko, Kaine knew that the other woman's wedding ring was hiding underneath her clothes.

This was some bullshit and Kaine, free of her nervousness and caution, was real fucking tired of pussyfooting around here.

So the wedding party continued but Kaine wasn't around to enjoy the latter half of it. She had dragged Nariko off and then returned alone.

Livid didn't begin to describe how she felt. But she made her way over to Bert anyway, jaw clenched tight and her arms folded even tighter.

"I need you to do something for me."

Comments

[apassingafternoon]

She went to find Roland.

Sure, Kaine stopped a few times to make herself breathe, to dedicate herself towards a level of composure. She wouldn't prove Nariko right this time nor would she mess up what she had with Bert because of one stupid, irritating, ridiculous, emotionally constipated dumbass - No, see, this was what she needed to avoid! Kaine had to be reasonable even if it hurt, even though her worry felt as if it might drown her. If that didn't do the trick then her disappointment would finish things. For as difficult as Roland was she'd had faith in them, in him, but obviously that had been a bad decision.

She held onto the pain of it instead of the anger so that when she tracked him down, ignoring Susan if she had to, it was easy to speak clearly and firmly. "We need to talk this instant."

Lucky for Roland it wouldn't be a difficult talk or a particularly long one. There was no more room for his fumbling around, and Kaine was nowhere near as patient and understanding as her elder other half. Now he was just going to have to shut the fuck up and obey.

[toweredingly]

Roland was sitting at the edge of the dancefloor, alone. He'd danced a few turns, for appearance's sake more than anything else, but being in the mood he was in, he wasn't exactly celebrating. Susan was nowhere to be seen, which was a small blessing for Kaine, since she would certainly have stepped in if she'd been there. Instead, Roland just looked up, shrugged one shoulder, and tossed back the rest of his drink.

"Then talk," he said simply. "I'm listening."

[apassingafternoon]

"We're leaving soon and I can only think that Susan is coming with us. So we'll go and we'll make sure there's a way to get back that doesn't end in losing limbs. I'm sure we'll get answers too. But I'm keeping Nariko here. I know she made a promise to you but I'll be the one fulfilling it. That's easier than watching this shit. When it comes down to the moment if you try to stop me I'll knock whatever's left in your head out of your brain."

It was really that simple.

"You don't want to pay attention to what's going on? That's fine. But I don't leave people to fucking fend for themselves. But now you don't have to worry about it." She even threw in a fucking smile! Kaine was the best at this.

[toweredingly]

"I wouldn't try to stop you," Roland replied flatly. Flatly, but with a certain dangerous undercurrent of anger which was almost unnoticeable. "I've forced us back together once. If ka wants us apart, well, I guess it'll happen." It was clear, and understandably so, that he was unhappy with that. It was equally clear that he meant it. He wasn't about to step in now. Part of him, endlessly weary even at his young age, said that you could only follow someone, not force them to follow you. Nor, if he was honest, did he altogether want any of them to. You will lose all that you love...

"When it comes down to the moment," he said after a little while, "I swear to you, I will not force her to anything she doesn't want to. And nor will you. What comes after that..." He shrugged. "There'll be water if God wills it."

[apassingafternoon]

"This hasn't got shit to do with ka, Roland. Ka doesn't make someone feel as if they have to step away from their husband to help put him back right. And ka isn't what's going to separate you either, nor is it what gave you the chance to save her. You are doing the former and the crazy bitch we have to convince to take us back did the latter. Interestingly enough there are other valid forces that have nothing to do with ka. One of them is called accountability and I really wish Mid-World had a class on it."

Whether she noticed his anger or not Kaine did absolutely nothing to curb the sharp edge of her voice. It wasn't like her to yell and throw a tantrum but she could inject poison into everything if she felt like it. And since he was just so magically unaffected by everything then he wouldn't mind one way or another!

"What I do and don't force isn't really your business unless it's about Cuthbert. I don't want to have to fight with you both, that's the only reason I bothered to say a word." Because for as unsettled and disappointed as Kaine was, and for as much as Nariko didn't believe it? Kaine still couldn't help wondering what he might actually pull at the very last second when this became reality. That some idle bit of hope remained was laughable but, hey, she was an optimist.

[toweredingly]

The trouble was that injecting poison into conversation with Roland was that the more toxic you were, the more stonily implacable he tended to become. This was no exception. His face hardened a little, his voice cool and flat. "You're right. You don't." He got to his feet, looking down at her. "But it is my business. Not just as concerns Cuthbert. Nariko is part of my ka-tet. She's my wife. And until she - not you, she - tells me otherwise, that's how it's going to stay. What happens at the end of this will happen. You can curse me for it all you want, tell me it's not ka, but until it happens, you don't know what it is." He reached out, gripping her shoulder, his blue eyes boring into her. "As for what's separating us, you tell me this: if it came to a choice between Nariko and Cuthbert, would you find it so easy?"

[apassingafternoon]

The hilarity of it was that he'd already been told as much, but Roland was not the kind of person who paid much attention to anything that didn't have to do with survival. Kaine wasn't surprised that he couldn't see what was coming, and it was why she barely reacted his hard stare, or his grip.

"Of course I wouldn't, it'd feel painful and I'd almost sooner die than pick one or the other." And it was true because she loved them both so much that it hurt, even scared her occasionally. "But this isn't about a choice in fact it hasn't got shit to do with that. Have you ever known her to be the kind of person who won't fight? Because while I know differently, I'm pretty sure she never gave up on Gilead, on winning them over or saving it in front of you. So a better question might be: Why is someone who is so naturally determined and hardheaded stepping down instead of fighting for you? Because I'll tell you the latter is far more in character than this subservient, degrading bullshit."

[toweredingly]

"I've not known her so long as you," Roland said, very coolly, and let go of her. One dark eyebrow arched, and he folded his arms, looking down at her. "But I've a sense you know the answer to that question. So tell me."

Not that he wasn't considering it. He was, and would continue to, letting the question tick over in his mind for a good long time while his thoughts ground away at it, slow but exceeding fine. But for now, he was interested to know what she thought on the subject - not that you would have guessed it, from the stony immobility of his face.

[apassingafternoon]

"I should make you figure it out yourself but we might all be dead by then." It wasn't even exactly meant as an insult. The man was a slow thinker to his core and if you paired that with an inability to read between even the thinnest of lines, and on top of him simply being a man ... Really, it was almost as if everything was against him figuring people out. Almost.

"Because she sees herself as some awkward placeholder for the space Susan should have been in, and she thinks that's how you see her, too. It's great that you can get along and it's great if there are things you like about her but, Roland, if you sit in front of someone and say 'if not for her I would have loved you with that same intensity' then they're always going to know their best is still worthless just because they aren't who you really wanted. If you pair that on top of the fact that she's been told she's worthless scum all her goddamn life its begging for an outcome like this."

Kaine rubbed the back of her neck, looking a bit weary despite herself. "For her to lay down her pride and her morals and do something that might make you happy, even if it makes her suffer, that's about the greatest display of love someone like Nariko can express. It's harder to let you go than it is to hold on, and it's necessary in a way because even if you could have both Nariko would still feel like the - whatever you call mistresses in your world. Just the woman you sort of idly keep around to maintain your vows."

roland you're a butt

[toweredingly]

That was a poor choice of words. It wouldn't have been so bad, except that Hambry was a wound too freshly reopened, too close to the conversation. Shiveens and side-wives... those weren't things he wanted to think about. Not in a conversation including Susan. Roland's eyes hardened. "She's no gilly. She ought to know that. Just as she ought to know that if I wanted to free her from our vows, I would. She told me herself that they were vows made to Gilead and the Eld, and both are gone."

[apassingafternoon]

It would have been a poor choice of words if Kaine hadn't meant to say them, or if they hadn't been right. Somewhere along the line she had crossed over from 'vaguely implying things' to 'taking the words right out of Nariko's head'. It was a little difficult to avoid when there was nothing to stop the constant flow of shared thoughts, but in hindsight she would end up paying for it later one way or another. Oh well.

"At least she didn't half-ass the dialogue." That might not have been a satisfying answer but it was all Kaine could think of for a second. "If you could somehow possess enough determination to show even a third of the passion she feels for you then I'd bet all the coin to my name that she wouldn't be able to repeat any of that with a straight goddamn face, Roland. You don't really know her but consider how well she might know you. Gods knows she stared at you longingly enough to have picked up a thing or two."

[toweredingly]

"If I showed a third of that passion..." Roland began, and cut himself off, his jaw working tautly under his skin. For a moment, he was quiet, then he said in a rather lower tone, "My passion has a tendency to get people killed. If you think she knows me, then she ought to know that. Just ask Susan."

And that was more than enough of that conversation for him. Pulling himself up to his full height, he turned on his heel, aiming to walk away and lose himself in the crowd for a while.

[apassingafternoon]

This man had more buttons than his wife and that was really saying a whole hell of a lot. Sighing Kaine turned on her heel and was fast enough to put herself in front of him, both hands held up guiltily.

"Look, that's not what I meant, alright? Affection would have been a better word, I was really just talking about an insanely romantic kiss, something along those lines. I'm sorry." And she meant it. For as hardheaded and pissy as Kaine had been she knew when to humble herself a little, and so her next words were laced with caution. "I just need to know one more thing if you can find it in you to do it." And he would probably understand why in just an extra second. "For both our sakes can you tell me exactly dangerous this 'Marten' man is?"

[toweredingly]

For a moment, Roland stood stock still, looking down at her, as if he had been entirely taken out of time, Then, slowly, he relaxed, little by little, back into being merely tense.

"If you are lucky, and he takes no interest in you," he said, his voice low, "he may only be deadly." There's a tension under the level tone which belies just how much he does not want to talk about this. "I was... unlucky. And one day, he will pay for that. But now, in public? I will not speak of it."

[apassingafternoon]

It hardly surprised her that he had levels of tension. The 'Oh, shit' level was far worse than his usual 'everything is terrible' level. Even Kaine was a bit glad when he went back to normal. It was exhausting, being that tightly coiled all the time.

"Then it's an even better idea that she stays here, Roland. Let her be with Wei instead of you or I." Even though that was unfair, even though Kaine had never asked for anything but to keep the people who made her happy. Now she was having to let go of one because of this man. But she had rung him through the paces enough, so she nodded. "Try not to get into any more trouble, maybe."

Maybe it was time for her to check on Nariko again. If Kaine was lucky her friend might have softened up after getting a bit of attention.