Bottle It Up

[apassingafternoon]

Kaine didn't see Nariko after she returned to the palace. There would have been something oddly poignant about sharing the entire experience, speaking a bit frankly about it, but Kaine wanted to hold it to herself for a little while longer. In the end that was for the best. Sekht and Fyra's wedding was held in the morning and they all stood for it and then danced for it. Everything should have been goddamn peachy. There was no more pressure or tension in her general atmosphere, just the understandable, acceptable level of regret and acceptance. Kaine could deal with that.

What she couldn't fucking deal with was Nariko. Oh, sure, she smiled and clapped and when Sekht playfully asked her for a dance but every warning sign in the book was on full display. Her smile was hollow, her polite manner far too restrained. The natural ease that she'd found with Roland was nowhere to be found, in fact she seemed far too content with pretending he wasn't even anywhere near her. And maybe the obnoxious sleeves of her shirt - it was fucking insane that anyone could be unaffected by this heat - hid her left hand but Kaine saw the black chord around her neck and in that voiceless, deep way she had always possessed when it came to Nariko, Kaine knew that the other woman's wedding ring was hiding underneath her clothes.

This was some bullshit and Kaine, free of her nervousness and caution, was real fucking tired of pussyfooting around here.

So the wedding party continued but Kaine wasn't around to enjoy the latter half of it. She had dragged Nariko off and then returned alone.

Livid didn't begin to describe how she felt. But she made her way over to Bert anyway, jaw clenched tight and her arms folded even tighter.

"I need you to do something for me."

Comments

[gunslingerqueen]

Since he didn't have his arm around her anymore Nariko sat on the end of her bed, ignoring Sonia's disdainful whining.

"I know all of that," Not in an 'I know that so why are you wasting time repeating it' manner, it was more along the lines of 'I know that very well and you probably needed to say it to me'. "I thought that stepping out of it might help you as much as it would him. Maybe it's easier to fix whatever is between you and Roland if there isn't some random woman in the way, I don't know. Relationships are weird. Though, for the record, Susan isn't doing anything to me. It's not really anyone's fault that he and I don't fit together, that I can't get him to do what it is you need him to."

Fuck's sake, she wanted to cry again. "And if that was an answer it was a strange one."

[askthelookout]

"Okay, then here's my answer." He took a deep breath, and with an effort, stripped away all those easy surface layers of humour and lightness and simple emotion. Spoke to her frankly, as he rarely did even to Roland or Alain. "I can't give him what he needs. Nor can she, not when all he sees looking at her is his own fuck-ups and the pyre she burnt on. We're... look, I don't understand it." His fists clenched at his sides, nails biting into the skin. He didn't look at her, but at the floor, a simmering intensity in his dark eyes. "We're too close. We're bound up with his ka, him and his fucking Tower. He needs something else, something that's not just his stupid fucking quest and the tragedy he's built himself." His jaw shifted a little under the skin, and he unclenched his fists, closed them again, looked up at the ceiling. "He used to smile. Not often, but he did. He was ever the serious one, but he joked, and he laughed at my clowning, and he was soft sometimes. And he cried. After Hambry, it was like all that dried up out of him. The only times I've seen him smile in five years or more have been with you. He loves you, and I love him, and that means this is my business, too." He wetted his lips, looking back at her with eyes almost as intense as Roland's could be. "And in case you're wondering, that's not me making you stay with him. I just..." Shrug. "You're not Susan. You give him something he needs. I dunno what it is, but you do."

[gunslingerqueen]

Somewhere along the way she'd given up on petting Sonia and simply listened. Whether he looked at her or not it seemed impossible to focus on anything but Bert. Seeing him without that layer of defensive, warding humor was as unnerving as it was monumental. It wasn't difficult to see why Kaine was so hopelessly enamored with him.

"I suppose it doesn't help any but I have no idea what that is. Couldn't spot it even if my life was on the line." A big part of her wanted to completely refute the idea. What in the worlds could she give Roland? Except for more work and trouble. "Aside from the part about ka," Because h was probably right with that one. "I don't think you're close enough."

She looked down at the kitten on her lap and played with its ears. "No one can make me stay except myself and I'm …" Now she shrugged, laughing humorlessly. "I'm here, aren't I?" But it wasn't the same, and that was a little bit of the problem.

[askthelookout]

"I kennit." Bert shrugged, scraping his hair off his face with both hands. "You're here. He's out there. You're both just stubborn enough and just blind enough to let it stay that way. And that's not fair. I'm supposed to be the stubbornly blind one around here." And just like that, the humour was back, light and cheery; he pulled a face, laced his hands back behind his head, and rolled his eyes. "So, you kennit. That's my reason."

[gunslingerqueen]

It was always a little difficult to believe that humor but this time Nariko allowed herself to smile along with it. "It's a good reason." Not that her opinion counted for much in this exact situation, but it felt as if some kind of response was necessary. She was quiet for a minute and then added, "So if you had control over all of this, what would you have us do? So you can go back to being the stubbornly blind one."

And while it may not have been exactly the same as a smile there was a kind of relief in being able to talk freely. Bert was far better at talking than Kaine or Roland had been, though the latter probably wasn't anything to be proud of.

[askthelookout]

"If I had control over all of it?" Bert pulled a face. "That's not a power I'd want, thankee. But here's the thing. For your sake, I'd have you stay. We who go with him, we'll die. Most likely painfully, certainly young. Only..." Sighing, he grimaced. "For him, I'd have you stay. And for me. If only because it's the only way Kaine might come along with us." He blushed as he said it, scuffing his foot in a very teenaged way.

[gunslingerqueen]

She couldn't help a very soft laugh at that. She didn't want to embarrass him but, honestly, he just looked strangely cute in that moment. Well, cuter technically, since Bert was already obnoxiously good looking. "I figured she would have something to do with it, but you shouldn't worry about that. She only wanted to stay here because she thought you weren't interested anymore. It took you both too damn long to just go through with it. I should have sat and had a talk with the both of you."

But they'd figured it out so nothing else really mattered. "I told Roland before that I would go with him and I intend to, but I do need to settle my family before I go off on an insane quest that we both know will likely kill me." She snorted humorlessly, rolling her eyes. "Which is fine, I mean, hell, I tried to off myself in Gabrielle's room, if I couldn't pull it off there then even I have to accept that ka has something to do with this." And that was a very begrudging admittance. "Anyway, what I mean to say is that I was always coming along, I just didn't think it would be good to be married with her around. I can't be jealous of you because you're in a completely different league, but her?" Another snort, here. "Women are dangerous when they feel competitive."

It was a very polite way of saying that she didn't think Susan had anything on her aside from Roland's built up ideals, which were a force by themselves. "If he thought that I wasn't going to come along then it was just a misunderstanding. Even if he does end up with her I'm not going anywhere. Kaine needs you, and I need Kaine. Just don't tell her I said that, or she'll suggest uncomfortable scenarios."

[askthelookout]

"She always was dangerous," Bert said after a moment, grimacing. "Mind if I sit down?" He didn't wait for an answer, striding over to flop down next to her. "Honestly, I think that's half the reason Ro' fell for her. You ever notice how he spends his whole life going down the path of most resistance? The one woman in the whole of Mejis he needed not to fuck, and he fucked her. Nothing against her, she made big sacrifices for us, but, hells..."

He fell silent for a moment, chewing on the inside of his cheek, then said thoughtfully, "She's a good woman. She's suffered a lot, and she's come through it kind enough, which is more than can be said for most of us. But you're right. If there's one person more likely to hate you for having Roland's heart than I am, it's sai Delgado." Again, his hand scraped back through his hair. "But right now, Ro' thinks you're going to leave him out of some kind of pity, and you know how he hates to be pitied. And Susan, I don't even know what she wants. But the tension's so thick it's like breathing molasses, and I can't take much more of this. Also, I'm curious about those uncomfortable scenarios."

[gunslingerqueen]

None of this was about who was good and bad which was what made it all so damn unbearable. But she decided to keep the obvious to herself and put Sonia in his lap when he sat next to her. "It's not out of pity but it hardly surprises me that he's taken it that way. If he didn't then this might be easier." And as Bert had said, Roland did go about things in the most convoluted, obnoxious ways sometimes. Or all the time. "I keep trying to think of ways to make it easier but I haven't come up with anything new." Aside from being as grudge-free as possible.

She reached up and pushed her hair back and held it out of her face for a second, it was a new form of her usual nervous habit. "I think the most pervasive fantasy of hers involves you being in the middle, there's another one that involves me watching, too. You'll figure out the extent of her voyeuristic tendencies soon enough."

[askthelookout]

Fussing over the kitten, Bert nonetheless made time to pull a duly comical face. "Is that all? I was hoping for something scandalous." And he would much have preferred to keep in that light-hearted vein, but there was still serious business to attend to. "Listen. He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that people want him to themselves. He still thinks he can have both of you somehow. He's an ass."

[gunslingerqueen]

"That is the part that really gets under my skin. I don't think there's really any such thing as just having him and that does make me a little sad, in a way," Here she made a flippant hang gesture, she didn't want to get into that because it was her own issue. Marriage, for her, had always been about two people. Not two people and who those two also fucked on the side. "But there was a moment - it was actually between you and I, it didn't really have much to do with Roland. - that I realized no one was ever really going to outdo you. There was no such thing as separating you and Roland and, you know, that's okay. Every time I would ask about you he was almost a different person and that was great. I loved it."

As if suddenly realizing the possible gravity of what she had said Nariko paused, and looked up at the ceiling. "But with Susan, I can't see myself not wondering if she's better, if I'm just an afterthought or something. And yet I don't worry about that with you, and I have no idea why."

Granted, Nariko still didn't understand that Roland and Bert actually had sex, so there was a piece missing here and there but the idea was about the same.

[askthelookout]

"Because what she is to him is totally different." Bert shrugged. "He loves the both of you as men love women. He loves me and Al as tet-mates and sworn brothers, fucking notwithstanding."

Oops.

[gunslingerqueen]

There went whatever very little positivity she'd been feeling! Her mouth opened and then clamped shut with an audible snap of her teeth. It nearly pained her to talk but sitting here and drowning in her thoughts wasn't really for the best.

"No wonder." No fucking wonder. She muttered something in her mother tongue, and bent forward to put her face in her hands until she could trust her voice to remain even. "Were you fucking after he and I were married?" Of course there was a chance he might not tell her the truth for fear of making things worse but she could at least try. If Bert lied then Nariko wasn't above trying Alain, even if she was already in the gutter to him.

[askthelookout]

"...Oh, fuck." Bert literally facepalmed, slapping his forehead so hard that Sonia leapt, startled, out of his lap. "He still didn't fucking tell you? I am going to kill that man!" Growling irritably, he ran both hands back through his hair and looked at her with some concern. "Of course we weren't fucking after you were married. I'm an asshole, but I'm not that much of an asshole. Plus, he doesn't fuck us when he's got someone else." Bitter? Who was bitter? "Alain'll tell you the same. We're not competition. Never have been. Never will."

[gunslingerqueen]

"That's not how I see it." She pulled her hands away and took another deep breathe. At least they hadn't been involved after that but surely Roland knew how Bert felt. This was - it was all so fucked up. "Well I guess it's a good thing I didn't know about this or we wouldn't be married at all. It's not even vaguely fair to you and Alain." And even if Bert did hate her Nariko couldn't not take his feelings into consideration. Or at least try to.

Nariko picked up Sona and tried to calm her down, her expression a pathetic attempt to look calm. "The only vague upside here is that he probably hasn't wanted to talk to me, so there is that."

[askthelookout]

Bert raised his eyebrows, genuinely taken aback. "Not fair? Well, no. It was never gonna be fair. He was always going to have to marry someone, and he's Roland, he was always going to play the noble gentleman over it." Cautiously, he reached out to touch her arm. "I cry your pardon, Nariko, truly. I assumed you knew. I was only fooling."

[gunslingerqueen]

"It's fine, I know you didn't mean it that way." But that didn't actually make anything fine. She tried to give him a smile but it was nowhere near her usual bright wattage. "I got upset with her for suggesting it, but ..." Maybe Kaine was right. Maybe it really would be better to stay wth Sekht and Wei.

Well, she couldn't let that get to her. Nariko lifted Sonia up to give her a little kiss before handing her to Bert. "Keep her until tomorrow. Just because I can't fuck doesn't mean I can't fight someone." Ans that would at least help her feel better.

[askthelookout]

Bert nodded, looking rather guilty as he took the kitten. "I guess I can't get you to go and fight Roland, can I? It might do you both some good." Then, in a lighter tone, "Or you could fight Susan! It would be cathartic, and let's be honest, you could probably sell tickets!"

Once it was out of his mouth, he immediately regretted that callous humour, and it was obvious in the twist of his mouth. "Cry pardon," he said again, and sighed. "Don't get hurt, okay? Try not to kill anyone."

[gunslingerqueen]

"The last time he and I fought we didn't talk for a month." And Narilo had been an absolute wreck over it. "He can stay with his ever-perfect Susan. Why interrupt him?" It wouldn't do any good, they'd probably only irriatate each other even more.

"Tell Kaine I appreciate the cat," She leaned over slightly to give him the smallest peck on the cheek before standing to smooth out her dress. "Thank you, Bert." Because if nothing else he had told her the truth and that did count for something to her. That he did that despite possibly hating her also meant he was as good as she thought he was. He just also kind of happened to be a dick every so often.

"I'll try to avoid stumbling into her bed but if I do just push me on the floor, okay? I'll see you later."

But not before some drinking and, yes, fighting. She was remarkably good at starting them and even better at finishing them so long as Roland wasn't involved!

[askthelookout]

"And destroy her threesome dreams?" Bert pulled a face of comic horror. "I could never!" But his smile, for all that, was really rather gentle. He stood up with her, cradling the kitten in his arms and scratching it between the ears. "Listen. Nariko. I love him. Ever have, and ever will. But he's being an ass, even more than I am. Don't let him get to you. I'm not joking, it's not worth it, even if he is."

As if he didn't let Roland get under his skin more often than she ever did.

[gunslingerqueen]

She paused and considered the unreasonable request he seemed to be making here. The problem was that Roland was already getting to her, the problem was that she loved him, there might not ever be such a thing as not letting him get to her. But of all things she smiled, and just nodded. Bert was really trying to help her this time and it was kind of him.

"I know you're right, we'll just have to see what I can manage, I guess." It wasn't going to be much. She'd be a mess and get fucked up one side and down the other and maybe it would all be easier and clearer tomorrow. Maybe. She reached over to give Sonia one last pet from the back of her neck to the base of her tail. "Go break it to your girlfriend that her dreams have been dead in the water. If you like, you can even tell her i'm not upset with her anymore."

So she didn't have to send Bert around to do all the heavy lifting. But with just that left between them Nariko went on her way, and Bert would too when he was ready.