hail of arrows

[apassingafternoon]

To graduate from utter silence to the constant roar of Gilead was something else. Though she had been here for over a week now, and would stay for much longer, Kaine was not used to the constant noise. Even at night it felt as if she could hear every shuffle of bodies in sheets and night clothes, every fuck whether positive or not, and all those conversations that were never suited for daylight. It all made sleeping outside difficult, but even lying beside Nariko didn't make it any easier to deal with the walls all around her. They were suffocating. At night and in the day, they threatened to drive Kaine out of her mind.

So she took to wandering around because there wasn't fuck else to do around here, not for her.

Which might have explained catching sight of him towards an edge, around a corner. The specifics weren't relevant, that Kaine saw Bert and spun on her worn down heel and followed him was relevant. It should have also been worrying for her, this unnatural and constant fascination that was tempered by the occasional bout of good sense felt odd. It was a ... Not a problem, but not exactly good. Crushes on men that you hardly knew, that hid the way Cuthbert did, that never let her finish talking the way Cuthbert did couldn't end well.

She followed anyway, and not with any real ounce of subtlety or control. Eventually one of them would have to say something and in her own way she knew he might take that responsibility first. So she followed, and even if Kaine happened to be wrong he was pretty interesting to stare at anyway. Maybe it was the hair.

Comments

[apassingafternoon]

If he wanted to say something or other then he was allowed to. Whether she knew it or not wasn't important, it was that he felt the desire to tell her in the first place. "I guess so."

It was clear that she had never really thought about it, but what he said made sense. You had dead people, you had to do something with them, after all. "I guess it's just that …" This was one of the few topics that she had trouble speaking on, and she was never one to speak without thinking ahead of time. As a result a full moment passed before everything clicked the way it should.

"You know, that family - Nariko's - they've got this belief that things that die don't ever really go away. You do certain things, they stay and it's a negative effect, you do other things, they stay and it can be good. But I think the longer you have things like that near the harder it is to move away. Hard to get out from underneath a shadow when it's always underneath you."

But even now she wasn't entirely sure that it made sense, or maybe it was too emotional a though, but it was all she could come up with.

[askthelookout]

He was quiet for a moment. When he did speak again, it was thoughtful: "I guess maybe that's why. Here, we..." He shrugged, lapsing into silence for another moment before continuing. "They're our fathers, and our fathers' fathers. Arthur Eld, and all his knights. All the gunslingers of our past. Maybe that's a shadow we want to keep with us."

For a moment, he looked pensive, as if he was mulling it over, and then he pulled a face. "Well, I don't know. I leave ghosts and beliefs to Roland and Alain. All I know is, there's been plenty of times since my father died that I've been glad to have him near. And sometimes I've found myself down there, when I've been in need of his guidance."

He shrugged one shoulder, looking rather embarrassed. He didn't make a habit of talking about things like that. More people knew about how he took flowers to his mother's grave, and even that was awkward enough. Telling anyone outside his tet about his trips into the crypt... well, if they were swapping personal stories, that definitely qualified.

"I guess when we move away, we like having something to come back to."

[apassingafternoon]

He had a very good point there, one that seemed to physically hurt her as she took it in. Kaine was quiet, creating yet another unplanned space of silence and even worse than that it didn't do her any good. No matter how she tried to rework her thought process. He was right. Of course it helped more than hurt to have something to come back to. Of course it helped to hold onto those people and their shadows. That was what helped everything move along. She had only ever told herself otherwise to help stave off her own pain.

"That makes sense." But she almost wished that it didn't.

In any case it hadn't dawned on her that he had told her such an intensely personal fact, but even if she did realize it Kaine wouldn't have known what to say in response. She didn't have anything of that caliber but, hey, at least she could make great sandwiches.

[askthelookout]

If he'd been Alain, he would have known what to do with that silence. If he'd been Roland, it would probably have passed him by entirely. Unfortunately, Cuthbert was neither of those people, and so he saw that he'd upset her, without having any idea how to help. He settled for touching her arm, feeling profoundly clumsy, and giving her a sympathetic kind of smile. "You alright?"

[apassingafternoon]

"Yes." No. "I'm just thinking," Certainly a dangerous prospect, all things considered. "Even though it hurts to have lost people, it's nice that you can still go and speak with them that way."

It was something she lacked. "Even though they're gone you're still shaped by them a little. It's nice." For them. For people who had shadows to walk in and grow from. But what exactly did that mean for anyone without that legacy? "... Apologies." She tried to smile, and it only faltered gently. "Or, as you would say, 'cry pardon', I'm just being emotional."

Which was hardly like her, but she would think over that issue later on.

[askthelookout]

"Hey." He stopped, taking her arm, and frowned deeply at her. "You're allowed to be emotional. One of the perks of being a woman, as I understand it. But, look, alright... I'm not Roland, I can't say this the way he does, but I'll try." He took a deep breath, letting go of her sleeve. "We're all shaped by them. That's what it means to remember the face of your father. As long as you do what's right by those who loved you, do your best to make them proud, they're always a part of you and what you do. You're still shaped by them. You don't have to know them to be shaped by them."

He wrinkled his nose, looking profoundly frustrated with himself. "Told you I couldn't explain it like Ro'. Took me until a couple of years ago even to figure out that forgetting the face of your father wasn't just some bullshit catechism."

[apassingafternoon]

"You really must not have been listening to that whole thing about my grandma." Or maybe it was a sizable difference in her upbringing. It was never that she had been explicitly told not to be emotional, it just wasn't ... Comfortable to do so. "And to be fair, I would never really want Roland to say anything greatly personal to me unless it concerns Nariko." Frankly she thought he sucked at anything more than staring intensely. If anyone was talented in communicating themselves it had to be Alain or Nariko.

"... But you're probably right. It's still difficult to imagine. I didn't know anything about my parents, or my grandmother, not really. But maybe it's the sort of thing you figure out with time anyway." She looked off to one side, scraping her heel along the ground, a nervous habit of hers. "Something you learn to figure out when you're given a little help."

[askthelookout]

"You underestimate Roland's ability to explain," Cuthbert said gravely, but there was laughter dancing in his eyes again. "And his ability to get so wrapped up in honour and ka and the face of his father that he forgets little things like eating and sleeping. If you want care and kindness, he's not your man. If you want an hour-long lecture about how it's all meant to be, well..." He tilted his hand to and fro, laughing. "If he'd ever opened his mouth in philosophy lessons, I think he would have been Vannay's favourite. Come on, you owe me a cheese and chicken paneen."

Because when in doubt, the best thing to do was to distract.

[apassingafternoon]

Kaine wouldn't say so for the most obvious reasons, but she very greatly preferred Cuthbert to any long talks about honor and other shit. But at least the topic got him laughing, and by default that helped her smile, which made everything else much better.

"'Panini'," She repeated without any real weight, the hint of a grin in her voice as they came that much closer to the kitchen. She still had little idea of where it was so she was more than grateful for Cuthbert leading the way.

[askthelookout]

"Pah-nee-nee," Cuthbert repeated with exaggerated care, and snorted. "Better?" He, of course, had no trouble finding the kitchens - not only had he lived here his whole life, but, as he'd mentioned, they had been a favourite haunt of his as a child. He still rather liked them, in a nostalgic kind of way that had nothing to do with food and everything to do with childhood. He breathed in deeply as they approached, smelling the spices and freshly-baked bread. It smelled like home.

[apassingafternoon]

"Much better." And she even had it in her to sound-mock proud of him! Although it might not have actually been all that mocking since Kaine was the only true Queen of cultural differences. But one constant between all people, seemingly in all times, was the kitchen. Some of it was still a bit strange to her but she had been around long enough that orienting herself wasn't difficult.

"Okay ..." She looked around, thought to herself, and then got to work, idly throwing behind her shoulder: "Sit somewhere! This doesn't take long! Or at least it shouldn't."

Her push-bread thing needed electricity which, of course, her home had but not so much here. Well, she could figure it out.

[askthelookout]

"Yes, sai," Cuthbert said with exaggerated meekness, and hunkered down by the door with a grin, waving to one of the cooks. "Hile, Anis. Smells like miracles and magic in here."

Anis, a young woman of about his age, blushed openly and obviously, much to Bert's apparent amusement. Smirking, he settled back against the wall, draping his hands over his knees, and watched Kaine with some interest. He wasn't much of a cook himself - he could skin a rabbit and roast a bird if it came to it, but not much beyond that - so he was genuinely interested.

jealous Kaine gives me life and I don't feel bad about it

[apassingafternoon]

... Could they have been more clear about it? Kaine could be a little dense at times but to miss the way Anis blushed at Cuthbert would mean that she was blind. And to miss Kaine's very obvious pout, the telltale, sharp turn of her head as if she had seen nothing - but of course she had - would mean one must be blind, too. It bothered her enough to create a little crashing and banging, and Kaine refused to ask Anis for help, but she hardly needed it.

A kitchen was kitchen, you only needed the pattern. Besides, cooking was ... A relief. It wasn't exactly easy and she wouldn't claim to be particularly amazing, but it was a fun hobby that she could lose herself in without any trouble.

That didn't mean Anis didn't get a look or two. What was so great about her, anyway?

i thought that might be the case. which is why i did that. so glad i was right. :p

[askthelookout]

Cuthbert bit back his amusement. It was cruel to find that funny, and he knew it. It wasn't even as if he'd set out to flirt, exactly - it was just very hard to resist teasing Anis, when she made it so easy. He'd made the mistake of forgetting who he was with, in part because they'd fallen into conversation so easily for a while there. So he did have the decency to feel bad.

At the same time, though, it was funny, and he couldn't quite hide the little twitch of a smile.

Best idea :P!!!

[apassingafternoon]

Bert was free of any current reprimanding because Kaine was busy with her task, and if she did look up it was often to search for something she needed, stubbornly refusing to ask for any help even when it may have done her some good. Given another twenty minutes, and after some interesting banging (imitating a panini machine was difficult okay?) Kaine finished, and stared at the result critically, as if it was meant to save lives, not be eaten.

"... This isn't going to be as good as usual." But the chicken was fresh, all the herbs she had wanted were here, and the cheese wasn't made this morning but within acceptable bounds. Kaine handed him the meal on what she assumed was a plate that wouldn't be used anytime soon. Chicken and herb cheese panini on large pieces of folded bread without the marks she preferred to see, but there were gently crisped potato slices. She even made it look somewhat pretty. "But here."

So maybe he could manage to not look at Anis? Just an idea.

:D

[askthelookout]

Bert looked down at the plate, smiling and very carefully not acknowledging the daggers Anis was staring at Kaine's back. "Looks plenty good to me," he observed, with a little shrug, and wiped his hands on his jeans before digging in. And that was a pretty appropriate term for it, given the gusto with which he ate. Halfway through, he stopped, looking a little guilty, and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "...I should probably have checked. Are we sharing this?"

[apassingafternoon]

Oh, Kaine knew that look very well but she was far too old and deprived of a single fuck to give to anyone that wasn't Nariko, Cuthbert, and ... Well, hardly anyone else, actually! Her world was very limited and if someone had a problem with her, they could shove it up their ass! Especially since by all accounts it seemed that he enjoyed what she'd managed to come up with and that was ... Well, that was pretty damn awesome, and she couldn't help glowing with a bit of pride.

"I can make something else, have at all of it." Which was to say, yes, they were supposed to share but he really was hungry, and she had no reason to deprive him when, really, she was just fine. Though she lingered near for a few minutes her own stomach rumbled, so she got herself up again to go back to cooking, and hoped that Bert didn't catch the proud smirk on her face.

Nariko was always telling her to be kind to other women, but that was the last thing she wanted to do right now. Fuck everyone else's feelings, he liked her makeshift panini!

that is the best closing sentence to a tag i have seen in a long time :p

[askthelookout]

"That is delicious," Cuthbert called over, after a minute or two. He'd slowed down, and was starting on the potatoes now, with every sign of enjoyment. Picking up his plate, he got to his feet and sauntered over to her, leaning up against one of the heavy wooden tables to watch her cooking. "You need to teach me how to make these. I mean, I guess there's not much chance I'll be able to, given that I only cook on the trail, but still..."

He wasn't lying, either, although he might have been playing it up a bit. He'd caught that smirk, all right. He might not be Roland, but he was no slouch when it came to observation, either. It would have been lying to say that it didn't make him a little smug in turn, to have that effect. Besides, it was nice to see her happy. He'd got the impression that it didn't happen nearly as often as it should.

Anis, unsurprisingly, didn't seem to agree. With an audible "Hmph!", she went back to kneading the dough for the evening's bread, perhaps rather more violently than was strictly necessary.

[apassingafternoon]

"You never know, you might come up with a way to do it on the road, they're good for traveling. I used to take some out with me in the morning when I had to hunt, they lasted all day if they were made right." In some kind of manner this had to be happiness. Maybe it wasn't the right kind because she knew that there was no claim here. Bert wasn't hers. He had quite clearly stated that he wouldn't let it happen but he was still a man and as Nariko never failed to mention - men had needs just as surely as women. So it didn't make any sense for her to act this way. But even if he was playing it up a bit, or even just teasing, she felt appreciated, and even genuinely liked. That much had to be acceptable, right? She didn't want to let go of it just yet.

"Besides, they're easy, you just need bread," Which she held up in a like so motion, "Whatever you want inside," The same action here. "And then you stuff it in evenly. The machine I have works better, but …" She could settle for shoving one pan over the sandwich as it sat in a bigger ban and was slowly heated on one side and then flipped so that it would seal correctly.

[askthelookout]

Cuthbert watched, chewing on the last couple of mouthfuls of his own panini, and smiled. "Could work on the road, I guess. If bread and cheese were things we actually saw past the first couple days out of Gilead..." He was teasing, really. "But you need to show me the herbs and such. Really. This is amazing. Ah-muuz-ing."

And by is, he presumably meant was, since he'd just polished off the last of his sandwich. Licking his fingers, he put his plate to one side and smiled. "Do you want a cup of wine or something, while we're down here?"

yes sure let's give the half-virgin wine around her crush. A+ idea (I approve)

[apassingafternoon]

"Seriously?" He was teasing but she wasn't. The only time Kaine had been so far away was when she had first arrived. Cheese and bread were relatively steady in Nariko's previous home, but it hadn't occurred to her that it was different anywhere else. "Well, you can make it with other things, as well." She just used cheese frequently because she really liked cheese! It was a guilty pleasure.

"I guess it can't hurt." Just one. Really and truly nothing more than that. In fact she wanted to tell him to smack her if she accepted more than a cup but then he might not give her any at all. And she was old enough to drink, and make her own decisions about it! Technically.

i am going to continue torturing her with circumstances YOU CAN'T STOP ME

[askthelookout]

"Cheese doesn't keep well on the road. Smells too strong, you get rats in your pack if your not careful." Cuthbert looked back over his shoulder, levering himself away from the table to go and fetch a couple of pewter cups from one of the cupboards. "And bread... waybread's alright, but you stay away from home more than a couple days, real bread starts to go stale pretty soon. We live on jerky and whatever we find along the way, mostly."

He ducked into a storeroom, clearly knowing his way around every bit as well as the people who actually worked here, and came out with three cups of wine balanced in his hands. One, he put down in front of Anis with a little half-smile. "Tell Molly I'm sorry for taking her wine, and I'll drop her off another bottle tomorrow, alright? Also, if you'd stop glaring at sai Kaine like you'd like to set her on fire, I'd say thankya."

Blowing her a slightly sardonic kiss, he turned back to Kaine, handing her one of the glasses. "Too mean?"

I cannot and it is great

[apassingafternoon]

"That sounds terrible." Jerky was good for emergencies, or if she didn't feel like cooking on a particular day or after a long week. It was not the mainstay for traveling. She shook her head at those ideas, suddenly grateful that she and Nariko had never been more than a day or two away from wherever they need to run off toward. While he flitted around she finished cutting the next set of potatoes and dumped them in the pan.

He reappeared and Kaine did her absolute best to refrain looking upset at the appearance of three cups rather than two. Would it have been rude to ignore Anis? Probably. Did Kaine really care about that when she felt her lightest in years? Of course not. That was the problem with emotions, some were so addicted that wanting more felt inevitable, and that was what had always terrified her.

"I think she'll be fine," And then she took her cup, with a lighter dose of satisfaction, but ti was there all the same.

[askthelookout]

Cuthbert half-smiled, a little ruefully, and raised his cup to her. "I'm sure," he agreed, taking a sip. "And for your information, it's not terrible. You get used to it pretty quickly. The terrible bit's the blisters and saddle sores when you're on a long sortie. That, and those nights when every time you lie down, new rocks appear to poke you in the back." He pulled a face, just as if he really minded things like that. Honestly, he'd never found that part nearly as difficult as he'd found it coming back to soft mattresses and pillows after a journey. "Although I guess you know that one, from that fairytale quest of yours."

[apassingafternoon]

"I ate fresh meat every day for every bright season. What you are talking about is a nightmare imposed upon reality." If there was anything that she happened to be just a tad snotty about then it was food. It was her reward for working hard, and there had always been something gratifying and innate about using her own products, taking care of her own animals, never wasting ... So, no, wandering around and living on jerky might as well have been its own death sentence.

"It wasn't so bad, one particular area aside. There's a lot of grass where come from, and then sand, and the swamp - that was a pain in the ass. Before I moved back into my house I slept outside all the time, in fact, it's kind of why I prefer sleeping outside here." She took a sip first then what could only be deemed a gulp and then, suddenly, half the cup was gone and she forced herself to stop. "Oh this is - Strong! Alright."