hail of arrows

[apassingafternoon]

To graduate from utter silence to the constant roar of Gilead was something else. Though she had been here for over a week now, and would stay for much longer, Kaine was not used to the constant noise. Even at night it felt as if she could hear every shuffle of bodies in sheets and night clothes, every fuck whether positive or not, and all those conversations that were never suited for daylight. It all made sleeping outside difficult, but even lying beside Nariko didn't make it any easier to deal with the walls all around her. They were suffocating. At night and in the day, they threatened to drive Kaine out of her mind.

So she took to wandering around because there wasn't fuck else to do around here, not for her.

Which might have explained catching sight of him towards an edge, around a corner. The specifics weren't relevant, that Kaine saw Bert and spun on her worn down heel and followed him was relevant. It should have also been worrying for her, this unnatural and constant fascination that was tempered by the occasional bout of good sense felt odd. It was a ... Not a problem, but not exactly good. Crushes on men that you hardly knew, that hid the way Cuthbert did, that never let her finish talking the way Cuthbert did couldn't end well.

She followed anyway, and not with any real ounce of subtlety or control. Eventually one of them would have to say something and in her own way she knew he might take that responsibility first. So she followed, and even if Kaine happened to be wrong he was pretty interesting to stare at anyway. Maybe it was the hair.

Comments

[askthelookout]

"Possibly you're right." Bert pulled a face, draining his own cup and reaching out to pluck hers out of her hand. "Not that red isn't your colour, but that kind of warmth can't be a good sign. You don't drink much, do you?" Teasing, but only gently. If he'd known she was this susceptible to alcohol, he probably wouldn't have offered her wine in the first place.

"Come on," he said, after a moment. "We should get out from under the cooks' feet."

[apassingafternoon]

She lifted her arm to try and keep it from him, instead reaching for the bottle. "Nope! Not even a little! Last time I drank I ..." Her eyes were unfocused but, suddenly, she looked troubled by something and she decided to get rid of it by pouring. "Well it really wasn't all that good, but if you'd like to go somewhere then let's go!"

Kaine could walk herself just fine! She only leaned to the right just a bit, just slightly off the center, and if she needed to be sharp and in control then she would be but right now it was a non-threatening, easy state to be in.

[askthelookout]

"Let's hope this time isn't as bad," he offered, with a crooked smile. "Although if you keep drinking at this rate, it might well be." Laughing, he stuck his hands in his pockets and started towards the door, half-turning to give Anis a little wave. She looked up, glowering, and didn't wave back. Cuthbert pulled a face as he turned back to Kaine.

"Well, there went a carefully-cultured friendship," he said cheerily, and held the door open for her on the way out. "I'd make a comment about women, only I'm a little worried you'd rearrange my face for me. And I can't be having that. Not a face as beautiful as mine!"

[apassingafternoon]

Nothing could be as bad but even in this state she wouldn't say that if only because there was a fifty-fifty chance that he might inquire. As they left she glanced over at Anis with a too-pleased smirk on her face as they went out the door. "It'll be fine, smile at her again and maybe give her a wink and say I'm a horrible bitch. That should work."

She half patted his shoulder in a way that was probably meant to be comforting in some strange way. "I am not sure any comments about women make sense for me! Say what you will. And your face is very pretty."

[askthelookout]

"I kennit." He smirked, preening. He wasn't drunk, but he didn't have to be drunk to make slightly bad decisions; it was just an instinctive response to being called good-looking. "Shame she does too. Women who think you're pretty always seem to think they've got a claim on you. Especially if they're pretty too."

[apassingafternoon]

"Because it's usually a competition for women. If they aren't aggressive there might not be a chance at all. You're attractive, smart, a gunslinger, if a woman wakes up admitting that she doesn't feel very pretty, her face looks too fat and nothing looks good on her then, well, someone else will come and take it. You have to go in for it." The hand that held the cup waved forward a little as if to say now having pointed that out, "At the very least this is what I hear from the more experienced. Men get what they want by being strong or attractive or smooth. Women get what they want by being harder than they appear. S'how it is."

She said it very simply, without upset or self-deprecation. None of that really applied to her but it was what she'd managed to see in other women in both worlds. Even Nariko, with all of her physical beauty, exhibited the same mannerisms and it had always been out of a deeply rooted fear that a lot of women appeared to share. It was one detail Kaine had been grateful to sidestep.

[askthelookout]

Cuthbert considered that for a moment, rather thoughtfully. "Guess you've got a point," he allowed after a moment. "Honestly, the whole thing's beyond me. I tend to just take it as it comes. But I know for a fact I'm not the first or last gunslinger Anis has fucked, so why she thinks she's got a claim on me or me on her..." He shrugged, hands spread. "That's what I mean about women. And some men. Always seems to end up being about owning, like there's one person and one person and that's it. Just look at Roland."

Screwing his face up, he held out one hand for the bottle. "Wine?"

[apassingafternoon]

"It's difficult to get people out of your head when you want them." And that was all she could really say about it since, in the very grand scheme of things, her experience happened to be very limited. She was barely eighteen and had only reacted to two people in her entire life. Not exactly the best position to give advice from. "I've gotta say, I'd almost think they're alike in that, needing to find that sense of completion in someone else."

She poured for him and then herself, her color only intensifying with each passing moment. "It's stupid. And complicated. And really fucking stupid. All of it." But even Kaine hadn't been able to avoid it so there was still that.

[askthelookout]

"You'll get no arguments from me. I've seen first-hand just how stupid it can be, remember?" He shrugged, taking a sip of wine. "Too many people think you complete yourself with someone you want to fuck. Seems to me, if you need someone else to complete you, it ought to at least be someone you like."

Pulling a face, he reached out to take the wine bottle from her, wanting to check how much was left. "Hells, I don't even see why it ought to be just one person. I could surround myself with people I liked and wanted to fuck, wouldn't that make me more complete than just one?"

Okay, so maybe he was starting to get a little tipsy himself now.

[apassingafternoon]

"No, fucking isn't the same as having sex with someone you love! That's completing, that's good. And by default you do like the person you're in love with." There was no hiding the mournful quality of her tone, but the underlying hint of frustration was deeply buried and singed at her insides. "I don't think the person you love is supposed to complete you they're just supposed to help make you better by default." And she had experienced that, lost it, and didn't know how to stop her seemingly endless mourning of the whole deal.

"But going back and forth and crying over everything and whining about everything and being upset about everything is just--" She actually flailed a bit more wildly than she meant to, this wasn't tipsy, now, this was nearing a very drunken state. "Too much! Life is too short! Every other fucking thing in the world is so complicated, why make your own business just as involved? That's stupid."

[askthelookout]

"Whoa!" He ducked out of the way of her flailing arm, maybe a little overdramatically. Not overdramatically enough to spill any wine, though. He had a little more self-control than that. "Calm down, there. I don't want a black eye over this conversation." Laughing, he straightened up and topped up his cup, knocking about half of it back. "I'm pretty sure you should stop drinking round about now. Or at least do it somewhere you can sit down when you get all light-headed."

[apassingafternoon]

She stuck her tongue out at him briefly which only proved how mature and eloquent she was, obviously. But as if to mirror him she cleaned out her own cup and even though she wanted more there was no such thing as indulging in it. The unsteadiness was kicking in right along with the light and floaty feeling, the weightlessness that could make some feel brave.

"So sit. We sit. We can sit." She corrected herself three times, "Just lead the way," And then, because she was so very gone, Kaine patted his hair almost affectionately. "You have better hair than me, this isn't right. I'm a girl. I have to have better hair."

[askthelookout]

"I don't see why." Cuthbert stuck his tongue out at her right back, flipping his hair back rather smugly. "Don't be jealous, just because I was blessed with beauty as well as brains. Your hair's very pretty too." That wasn't a lie. He liked her hair, which caught the evening light and turned it into gold. It did remind him briefly, though, of Susan, and of fine gold hairs caught on Roland's jerkin. That made his smile falter a little, at least until he washed the thought away with another mouthful of wine, setting off towards the gardens Nariko had been working in.

"Girls don't get better hair just because they're girls," he said, as he walked. "That wouldn't be fair. They already have better bodies and don't have to shave every morning."

[apassingafternoon]

"We have to shave in weeks, not mornings, but it's still the same irritating task. And, yes, women do have amazing, perfect, soft bodies, but men really aren't so bad either." No other statement could encapsulate Kaine's romantic and sexual interests, and of course she didn't realize it any. "And thank you for complimenting my hair it's," She reached up to toy with her own, the darker roots, the pale blonde that always appeared unnatural to her own eyes. It caught gold in the sun, yes, and she loathed that color vehemently. "It should be soft because I think my mother's was? We're supposed to inherit this kind of thing from our parents."

Granted, her hair was perfectly soft and even quite easy to take care of! It barely made it beyond her shoulders but the strangeness of it just bothered her.

[askthelookout]

"Men have good bodies too." He shrugged, entirely unconcerned. "But they're not nearly so soft. Or if they are, it's because they're fat. Fine for fucking, not so good for hugging." There were people in Gilead who would think he was strange or inverted for seeing men that way, sure. But so far as he was concerned, those people could go and take a flying fuck off the top of a tower. "And I've never known a woman to shave, besides some whores of my acquaintance. I mean, what would be the point? The only people who'll see where women grow hair are the exact people who ought not to care."

[apassingafternoon]

"Some of us!" She stopped and pointed at him with far more heat than she really felt, it was just the drink amplifying every little thought and feeling she experienced. "Like to feel smooth, alright! Some of us roll around in bed and feel great when things are smooth." It sounded far more implicative than what it really was. Sure, it was a chore, but she felt better with shaved legs. It was just a thing of hers.

"But to each their own, it's a personal comfort either way." She blinked up at him, her grin a bit sneaking. "You're a," She motioned to her own breasts, mostly because finding the right word for this place was already too much work for her brain, which spiraled up and down on its own schedule by now. "Kind of man, aren't you?"

[askthelookout]

"I'm not answering any questions that loaded," Cuthbert replied primly, topping off his glass and knocking it back. "But yes. As a matter of fact, I guess I am. Although frankly I'm a..." A gesture that took in all of her body, and then all of his own. "...kind of man. Doesn't do to be too picky."

He held the bottle up, squinting at it in the dimming light, and shrugged, drinking the rest straight from the bottle. They were probably past the point of being classy, and at least it might stop her drinking more. Swinging the bottle lightly between his fingers, he led her over to sit down on one of the benches.

[apassingafternoon]

He didn't want to answer the loaded question but then he went and answered anyway! How odd. But then he was a little odd wasn't he? In a good way. A fun way, which Kaine might never be. A comment about opposites complimenting one another was meant to fill her brain but there was no room for it. "What makes a question 'loaded' anyway?" She had no idea what he could mean by that, and probably wouldn't have even if she was sober.

"It's not picky it's ..." She had to take a moment to herself to consider the idea she wanted to communicate. "It's nice. Like, sometimes there's just that one little thing that - it's not even really sexual but it's just so nice and enticing and usually different for each person." Was that clear enough?

[askthelookout]

"Oh, I kennit. Just never seen it." He shrugged, back to his usual easy cheer. "One girl has nice breasts. One man has a good ass. She makes sharp jokes, his hands move fast and easy. This one has grace, that one has wit, the other one is just charmingly inept and it's endearing. Speaking as someone who's only lacking the breasts off that little list, I don't see why I ought to be looking for the same thing in all of them." He pulled a face, finishing off the last few drops of wine. "Show me someone with all those things, mind, I might be willing to come around."

[apassingafternoon]

Kaine stared up and then looked at the little mounds of dirty that were becoming sprouts that poked out of the ground. What was it that she always said - Love and patience? If only Kaine could believe that, too. Instead she made a vaguely strange noise that was a cross between mild frustration and confusion.

"It is a lot easier that way, huh? I mean, it really is a hassle. Even if everything is good you still fight all the time, things get in the way. Someone gets married. That really gets in the way, let me tell you. I should just start emulating you, here. That'd be easier."

It wouldn't and somehow, very deep down, she knew that wasn't the case. It wouldn't make her feel better to pretend that for as long as it had taken to realize, she did love, she did want it. Being forced into isolation hadn't deprived her of that need and emotionally cutting herself off in the way Cuthbert obviously had wouldn't smother it either.

[askthelookout]

"It's no easier," Cuthbert confided, after a moment. Maybe it was the wine spurring him to it, or maybe just that same easy companionship from earlier. Either way, the shadow was back in his eyes. "At least, it's easier for them, I guess. Doesn't stop it hurting, trust me."

He tilted the bottle to take another drink, remembered it was empty, and put it to one side with a sound of mild disgust. Just when it was starting to have an effect, too. "The whole of life's a hassle," he said sagely, in lieu of anything better. "Still, it's a damned sight better than the alternative."

[apassingafternoon]

He appeared very personally affronted at the bottle for not magically producing more alcohol and it made her giggle. It didn't matter that it was the wrong answer to his words, out of place and maybe even a bit crazy but she laughed and then couldn't stop. It felt good to hear the sound again even if it was too high, too loud. Kaine only knew being quiet or being loud, there was hardly an in-between and she made herself feel guilty about it often.

"Isn't that the fucking truth!" How many times had she used that line of thinking to justify her loneliness? The constant sensation of existing out of her own life? Until she met Nariko.

Fuck.

Kaine leaned against him sloppily, and looked up at the sky. When had it gotten this late? "You're really not so bad."

[askthelookout]

He was good with laughter. Laughter did him just fine. He'd learnt a long time ago that good-natured laughter rarely stung, not if you didn't let it. For a little while, he even joined in, throwing back his head and laughing aloud.

When she flopped up against him, he stopped laughing, and rather hesitantly patted her on the shoulder. Even mildly drunk, he had enough of himself left to remember that he was trying not to give her the wrong idea. Still, it was remarkably nice, having someone relax against him that way, just two youths sitting together and being slightly intoxicated. Or, well, maybe more than slightly, judging by how limp and warm she felt.

"Hallelujah!" he said, covering all that with his usual veneer of silliness, and raised one hand in mock-praise. "Write it on my gravestone! Spread the word to every town! Tell my teachers they were wrong! I'm really not so bad!"

[apassingafternoon]

Why did he stop laughing so quickly? How weird. But she was too out of it and vaguely tired to care about a small detail. What really counted was that he didn't move away and he was comfy.

"Also, great hair. Add that in." Her voice was beyond thick with sleep, and she did her best to fight it off and forced her eyes to open. "Thanks. You're sort of ... I mean, definitely the first friend I've made here." In Gilead, Nariko counted as a friend but it was far more complicated than that, another reason that she couldn't quite declare them an-tet in any manner. "I want to eat more chicken tomorrow."

She was so, so very drunk.

[askthelookout]

"I was worried I might be," he said, softly, and cleared his throat. Aloud, in a jolly kind of voice, he said "Come on. You're going to fall asleep on me, and you're no Alain in the weight department, but I'd still sooner not carry you around all night. Let's get you to bed." He didn't move, though, rather enjoying her comforting weight against him. That, and he was slightly worried that if he made her get up and move too quickly, he might get vomited on. He really hadn't expected her to have so poor a head for alcohol.