Fu re ru

[apassingafternoon]

Alain was having none of their shit and that was just by the mere virtue of being completely and utterly out of it. Kaine had thought it would be alright to use an extra drop or two but ... Well, it was that or his own exhaustion that kept him out of it. For as much as Kaine wanted to lie around and ignore everyone, tend to her house and hardly the people inside of it Nariko had a point. They were to rest for a week before moving on. The quicker they dealt with the out of the way errands the sooner she could sit in her room for as long as Nariko would allow before inevitably dragging her back out.

Which explained why they were on the road to The Village, or Arpagio as it was now known. The name changed was ridiculous (Aelious must have somehow gotten his way) but Kaine accepted it with a shrug. The journey was a boring one for her, she stuck to Nariko's side a bit tighter, more anxiously than usual but otherwise kept her words to a minimum. She didn't feel like talking, didn't even feel like going anywhere near town and the last thing she wanted was to even heart Cuthbert's voice, which she had already spent the morning blocking out. And yet he somehow felt well enough to come along. Fantastic.

The doors pushed open in their rhythmic fashion and her first question of the day was directed at Roland even though she didn't bother with looking over at him.

"What are we here for again?" They had barely taken two steps in and she was already quite tired of everything, and it showed in her voice, and the fold of her arms over her stomach. If her oversized sweater and skinny jeans didn't make that just as clear then nothing else would.

Comments

[apassingafternoon]

"Aw, come on, Wei shouldn't be on that list! He's actually not that bad." Of course it completely escaped her that Bert might just be talking about Christian. "The reptiles near Farcade are poisonous, and they leap, so if the three of you weren't gunslingers I'd be worried about bringing you there. Also, there's a five joke maximum in that city so you might want to get the majority of it out of your system before we head off."

Despite the smile on her face, Kaine wasn't joking. Before they could get too far Kaine tilted her head up and then looked over. No one had been joking about lunch. There were various meal buns, three styrofoam bowls that Kaine knew very well, and equally familiar glass blows piled with ice cream.

"Oh my god," Kaine's eyes widened and if she didn't think to close her mouth soon she was likely to begin drooling. "It's all so beautiful!"

[askthelookout]

Cuthbert, meanwhile, was looking at the food extremely askance. "Is any of this food? Those, I guess." Pointing at the buns. "Ro'? What the hell's all this?" Apparently, on this occasion, he was just curious enough for it to outweigh his lingering resentment.

Roland shrugged expressively, handing over one of the buns. "I'm trusting Nariko on this," he informed Bert, and raised one eyebrow.

Bert laughed. What the joke was, even he might have struggled to articulate, wrapped up as it was in all the threads of past associations and tone and expression, but something about the odd inflection of Roland's voice and the resigned little twitch of that hard mouth just... tickled him. So he laughed, and a little of that shadow between them melted away as he took the bun. "So long as there's enough of it," he decided out loud. "I'm starving."

[apassingafternoon]

"There'll be enough if you move quickly enough," Nariko warned, and then added, "Maybe don't sit too close to Kaine."

Kaine herself heard nothing at all. She waited, all but vibrating in place, anxious for the very instant Nariko would set everything down. That happened, of course, and two of the bowls went to Kaine, one quickly snatched and put off to the side farthest away from everyone else. The other had its lid ripped off viciously, and Nariko was smart enough to leave the fork on the ground lest she draw back a stump of an arm. The steam soup that held numerous, rich, brown noodles was devoured near instantly. Kaine only paused to sip at the heavy, almost gravy-like broth, her moan far too indulgent and even dark to sound entirely innocent to anyone who didn't know her well.

And Nariko supposed that, when it came to her friends appetite, neither Roland or Cuthbert knew how utterly obsessed Kaine was with her meals. Picking up the fork Kaine twirled up a large bundle of the dark pasta, gathering bits of meat and vegetables along the way, and shoved all of it into her mouth with the grace of a ravenous, angry yak. Her teeth even clicked before she got to chewing, cheeks puffed out but an expression of pure, joyous bliss was in her eyes.

Nariko observed it all very evenly.

"So," She looked at Cuthbert. "The buns have meat and vegetables, and they're aptly called Lunch Buns. They're very inventive with names around here." They weren't, but when you had to deal with multiple people from multiple words maybe simplicity was the best policy. "What Kaine is eating? Those are Seaweed noodles, hers are meat, the other one - assuming any of us gets to it before her - has sea food. There's also ice-cream, which is cold, delicious, and tastes like strawberries. And also like a mang-o, that's the orange one, and it's mine so try not to eat it all, please."

Meanwhile, Kaine gulped down the last little morsel of broth and then licked the bowl for good measure before she tossed it away.

"Oh man! That! That is what being home feels like!"

[askthelookout]

He would never, not in a thousand years, have admitted how that made him ache. It wasn't Kaine's fault, and she had every right to be glad at being back, but her declaration about home only kicked Cuthbert in the gut, stronger than ever, with the realisation that he was never going to be home again. His eyebrows drawing together for a moment, he hid his feelings fairly efficiently by wolfing down half the bun at once.

It was, he had to admit, very good. And he was, he was just realising, very hungry. It wasn't quite enough to dull that unfortunately-awoken pain of loss, but it was a start. With his mouth still half-full, he reached out at random, picking up one of the glass bowls. He swallowed, licked his fingers, and took a mouthful of ice-cream.

His eyes actually bulged a little, and when he took another spoonful, it was with the experimental air of someone who can't quite believe he didn't make it up the first time. "Holy shit," he said after a moment, and held the bowl out to Roland. "Ro'. Ro', you have to try this. It's so sweet." Which was the rather more coherent version of the clamouring sweetsweetsweet echoing around his skull. He'd never tasted anything with that kind of sweetness to it.

[apassingafternoon]

The cause of Bert's pain didn't notice a single thing and, really, better that she didn't. Kaine's home was eating these same meals with her grandmother as a child, and with Nariko as a teenager. Home wasn't a place or arrangement of buildings, it was the people she was with, and a certain kind of nostalgia that only food could activate. But saying all of that would have only made it worse.

Both girls smiled at Bert's revelation, as well as his desire to share it with Roland. Nariko left them to it for some extra moments, but she couldn't avoid the question any longer.

"So, I imagine all of that went about the only way it could," Farson moving in right after the Claude debacle. Whether it was a planned affair, or they saw an opportunity hardly mattered to Nariko. "But why did you come back a mess? And how for that matter?"

Kaine, who had dreaded this topic all day, was at least moderately prepared to handle it now. She wiped her mouth with the back of her arm (or would have, if Nariko hadn't stopped her and offered a napkin) and then explained as quickly as possible. "Because I saw the black scrawl on Bert and Alain, it disappeared after I did that," Here she made a twirling motion with her finger. This was somehow meant to explain the howling mode of fighting that she had put to use.

"But without your song I wasn't nearly as strong. You know it took me five minutes to get through three hundred? I counted, and it was bullshit. My body gave out and I died again. Before, I told Alain to take Bert and Jamie and run if it came to that but he brought us here with Maggie's book. At least, that's what I'm assuming what happened. I've only ever felt that weird electricity once before and it was back when you ..." Kaine trailed off, and shook her head. "For a second I thought I actually died for good, but then we woke up in Mystic and everyone was angry at each other, Elder Johnson tried to eat Bert, and Trish tried to have sex with Alain. Because she's a disgusting and horrible bitch."

And that's what happened according to Kaine.

[askthelookout]

Both Bert and Roland had abandoned the ice cream for the moment, although the latter was no less fascinated by its sweetness. This was more important, and for the time being, the wonders of another world could wait.

"I took command over Gilead after you left," Bert said after a moment, glancing between Roland and Nariko. "I wasn't the best at it. But we got some semblance of a wall up, and charges laid in the lower town where we figured they would pass. Women, children, the sick and elderly... we sent them down into the crypts, and I gave Jared a map I made up as best I could. There's a way out down under there, if they could find it. So far as I saw it, our job was to win them time." Wetting his lips, he took another spoonful of ice cream, as if its sweetness could damp out the bitterness of what he was saying. "Farson came from the west. We had no reports of his troops to the south or east. I gave our civilians instructions to move by night and at the fastest pace they could, and set them up with the last of our supplies." His eyes were on Roland alone now, partly because it was Roland he was really reporting to, and partly out of a barely-veiled need to be told he'd done the right thing. All he got was a barely-perceptible nod, but that was enough.

He took a deep breath. "We set up a front line. Everyone with a weapon to carry, gunslingers on the high wall. We were in pretty poor shape after Claude. I had a broken leg and ribs, and I wasn't the worst off. Jared had to go down to the crypts, because his fingers were smashed up so bad the poor bastard could hardly hold a gun." He grimaced, and closed his eyes for a moment. "Jamie took a shell to the head about five minutes after the first volley. Died quick, if not clean. I took a bolt in the belly, that's when Kaine did... whatever she did. Only it didn't look like it was lasting, and I didn't want to watch her die out there fighting someone else's war." Opening his eyes, he looked between Nariko and Roland as if daring either of them to comment. He knew it had been stupid, that look said; knew, and didn't give a flying fuck about it. "Apparently Al didn't mean to come with us. He said he wanted someone to give you a report. I think he was just too chickenshit to deal with being the last one left. Either way, he sent us out here, and I guess he got pulled along. Serves him right. Trying to hog all the fun."

[apassingafternoon]

Watching Bert eat ice cream while talking about the horrible business of losing his home and nearly everyone in it was … Odd. Kaine decided early on that she didn't like it, but Nariko was apparently just fine. She grabbed the little bowl that held the mango flavored ice cream, and kept listening. Kaine waited a moment after Bert finished, just to be sure he was done, and then went on.

"None of them wanted to listen to Bert, of course, so I just pantomimed what I overheard. I didn't think any of them would go along with it but they did. I put Yonah with Eunyce and sent them off. Ignis and Agni lead the Guardians. None of the rest would go back to Farim without you, or at least Roland. Connor and Agni were …" Kaine paused here and very obviously considered her next words. " … I didn't feel so bad about 'accidentally' putting the latter out of his misery. I don't think it's any big secret that I wasn't very fond of Roland until he did what he did, and then more so last night, but even if that hadn't been the case I wouldn't have agreed with what they said. To me it didn't really matter if they were kidding or not."

Nariko raised a brow, "Show me later." But her tone had a nasty bit of understanding, as if seeing in whatever way she could would only confirm a thing or two. Kaine, knowing that to be the ultimate truth, shrugged as if resigned to her friends need for that confirmation.

"How long has it been for you two?" Now was an opportune subject change. Kaine opened her second bowl while she asked, and Nariko leaned into Roland without realizing, a wordless request for touch.

"Three full days." Meaning there wouldn't have ever been any hope. Farson came directly after Roland had gone. Even if they'd been dropped in the Valley they wouldn't have been able to make it. That there was really nothing to have been done about it stung more than hearing what happened. "So Alain not only used a book of spells that's been passed down through one bloodline since the literal days of Arthur Eld and didn't die or become physically misshapen for it, but was actively saved by something that's said to act outside of ka." Kaine nodded, though she had no idea who the hell Gan was. "And by the time we've made it back, it'll have been two weeks." Another nod from Kaine who was eating at a far more normal speed. "Well, I suppose it's an uncomfortably fitting punishment."

[toweredingly]

"Outside it, but not unaffected by it." Roland seemed almost to be thinking out loud, looking rather distant as he wrapped his arm around Nariko's shoulders. "Something wanted them alive, that's for sure. And I can't say I'm less than grateful for it." He looked at Cuthbert, who, having finished his report, was to all appearances busying himself entirely with eating. For a moment, something in Roland's eyes was sadder than before, a strange kind of darkening. Then it passed, as soon as it had come. "It's more than we'd ever hoped to salvage. I don't suppose there's any chance that enough survived to go on fighting?"

"If they..." Bert started, around a mouthful of ice cream, then stopped to swallow, cleared his throat, and tried again. "If they did, they won't be easy to gather up. It's going to be like trying to gather up pieces of wood broken on an anvil. The civilians won't be brought to fight, nor should they be. The gunslingers came out there to die." He said it with a brittle equanimity, even a slight smile, which only made it more obvious how hollow the look in his eyes was. "The war's over. We lost."

"We knew it was coming." Roland nodded, just a little, and reached out his free hand. To his immense relief, Cuthbert took it, and held tight for a moment before letting go. It was something, at least, bridging the gap between them. "We're still alive. We still have work to do." Sitting back on his heels, he looked at Nariko. "Starting, I'd guess, with figuring out what Alain's gotten himself into."

[apassingafternoon]

Nariko raised a brow at him while simultaneously leaning back into Roland's hold. That moment between he and Cuthbert, no matter how short, was important and she'd had no desire to get in the way of it. But if she was allowed to remain at her husband's side then, well, why pass up the opportunity? "Oh, don't look at me, I have no idea what's going on there. As I said, that book's gone through multiple leaders, it's rare that a man has ever held it but not entirely unheard of. I'm far more interested in why it didn't do exactly as Alain wanted since it was already going through the trouble of listening at all. Maybe he meant to only send the both of you, but it's possible that it never planned on doing just that. As long as it isn't making him ill or talking to him then everything should be fine."

"Because books obviously talk." Kaine's tone was utterly deadpan, but Nariko only shrugged while debating her food.

"This one does. Not very often, thankfully, but how else do you think I came up with that plan? It's not as if I just opened the thing and knew how to deal with Claude, or that I immediately knew which spells to use when it came time to dealing with Farson or my mother. I spoke my goals, it gave me a logical plan of attack."

Kaine glanced over at Bert while Nariko gave up on eating anymore. The youngest of their party rolled her eyes, "… You know, a talking book is hardly the weirdest part of it all so maybe it isn't that bad."

[askthelookout]

"So, what, we wait until it does make him ill or drive him crazy before we do anything about it?" Bert pulled a face, finishing off his ice cream and wiping a smudge of it off the hair on his upper lip. "Great. Because gods know I didn't get my fill of watching magic destroy people just yet." Glancing around briefly, he lowered his voice a little. "Speaking of magics that destroy people, Nariko, is there any chance at all that bedamned thing's still where you put it? Or will they have found it?"

Roland glared at him, but Bert barely flinched. "Look, Ro', someone had to ask. I'm no keener to see it in Marten's hands than you."

[apassingafternoon]

Flinching or not, it wasn't just Roland that glared but Nariko as well, mostly because this was Kaine's question to answer, not hers.

"It came with you two," Kaine said, and she was suddenly very intent on not looking at Cuthbert or Nariko. "It was in his room first, but then it was in the kitchen this morning so I put it in the basement. That's the only part of the house that has any kind of seal, so we figured it made the most sense. I didn't see it anywhere else before we left so there isn't any reason to think it isn't still there."

"And when we get back I'll take it myself. If I can't find out why it did what it did then at least I know how to keep it away from everyone else. So there you go." Without another word Nariko stood up, brushed at the grass on her clothes and turned around to walk back towards town.

"Dammit ..." Kaine looked as lost as she felt but she stopped herself from getting up and going after her. "... Once we're done here we can deal with the book. Everything else that needs figuring out won't see any answers until we get to the castle. For all we know that crazy bitch will have some kind of answer for all of this, assuming she can speak this time."

[askthelookout]

"If she can't speak, she can damned well sign," Cuthbert opined, sighing and kicking his feet up onto a nearby rock. "Or write. Seems like you've no shortage of paper around here."

"You haven't even seen the library yet," Roland remarked, with a certain dryness. "I think Vannay would've creamed himself." Pushing himself to his feet, he looked after Nariko with some concern. "Alain will be fine, Bert. He's stronger than either of us. You kennit as well as I do."

"I'd say you meant more thick-headed, only I doubt there's a man in any world this side of the Tower with a thicker head than you," Bert grumbled. "Go look to your wife, if all you've got to say is shit I already know."

[apassingafternoon]

Kaine would certainly agree that out of them all Alain was likely the most durable, but she stayed out of it. Since they all seemed to be done with eating Kaine gathered up their trash and the bowls into one manageable pile. "I'd recommend you leave her alone," But her tone said that she hardly believed Roland would do that, and maybe that was for the best.

"But since you mentioned it? I was going to head that way to see if Matilda knew what Wei was going on about. If you'd like to see the library, Bert, you're free to come with me." And all things considered that really wasn't a horrible suggestion. "By the time that's done we should be able to go back."

And check on Alain. And ... Try to exist in the same house without killing one another.

[askthelookout]

"Aye." Bert half-smiled, rather wryly, and pushed himself to his feet. "Good luck taming the dragon, Ro'."

"Shut up," Roland retorted, and for a moment, that youthful ease was between them again, as if they'd forgotten the mess they were in the middle of. Bert smiled, a real true smile, and punched his friend in the arm.

"Never have, and never will," he said cheerily, but the falsity of it was already starting to gather again. Letting his hand drop back to his side, he moved back to help Kaine clear up their trash, and didn't look up until Roland was gone, loping off after Nariko.

After a moment more, he straightened up. "So. Library?"

[apassingafternoon]

"... Boys are weird." Kaine muttered to herself while they went about their strange, relationship oriented ritual that was probably unique to them to begin with. In a way she understood it but she and Nariko had never patched over an awkward series of events by punching each other. They petted hair and asked if someone else needed to be punched so that it was easier to get away with.

But whatever.

"This way." The nearest trash can stood just beside the steps that would lead up to the immense library. Kaine dumped everything in except for the glass bowls. Someone would come by and pick them up before the end of the day, and once that was done she lead him the rest of the way. When they stood on the cracked marble, surrounded by books from floor to ceiling, she only raised her arms. "Book central! Can you imagine how strange it was to leave this?" From a land full of books and paper to a place with hardly any of it.

In an entirely different part of town Nariko had yet to realize anyone was following her, much less Roland. She made it beyond the arch into town and then immediately snapped to the right. Between the wall itself and the stairs that led up top was an alley, thankfully left empty, and as soon as she was relatively out of sight she stopped and leaned against the wall. "Fuck."

How do we wanna do this? New thread? Split threads?

[askthelookout]

Cuthbert had been sauntering along behind her, but, like Roland had before him, he stopped dead when he saw the library. After a moment, he let out a low whistle. "He wasn't joking," he said, looking up at the high shelves. "Forget creaming himself, if Vannay were here to see this, I think he'd have given himself a heart attack out of sheer excitement." Laughing, a low little sound in his throat, he tucked his thumbs into his pockets and swung his weight back onto his heels. "I mean, I saw your books back at the house. You're telling me this is normal here?"

It made a lot of sense, actually. The trash they'd just thrown away would have been valuable enough in Mid-World that he'd had to restrain himself from asking her what the hell she was doing to throw it away. This was a different place. Different customs, different resources.

But to see it so openly and so clearly different was still like a punch in the gut. He remembered the great library of Gilead, which besides this looked like a children's schoolroom, and there was a harsh pang of homesickness to ameliorate his wonder.

Shaking it off, he looked at her with a crooked little smile. "Maybe it makes sense how remarkable you are, coming from a place this remarkable itself."

[apassingafternoon]

Though she was sincerely tempted to head right up and knock on Matilda's door Kaine lingered, and had the great misfortune of facing Bert as he went and said that. She bit her lip even as her face exploded in a familiar, deep shade that seemed vibrant against her pale skin. It was the most horrid curse in the world to be so prone to blushing. "'Remarkable', right, ha ha, I get it." He was messing with her in that way that he seemed to mess with a lot of different things. Smiling even when he felt like swallowing knives.

"We've always had books. Commerce and Farcade both manufacture paper out of trees and these strange plants, respectively. Most of them are kept here for safekeeping and Aelious lets people rent them out since there's usually only one copy of something. We have paper but we don't have a way to mass produce things like that. If you open any one of these you'll see that they're hand written." She pointed to the small markings on each end of a book case, it was how they classified everything.

"The books that are in my house are from Aerie. I found almost all of them after," She paused, and scuffed her shoes along the cracked ground, "… After I accidentally ripped it apart. It was the only place with another library like this one. Seemed a waste to just let them rot."

[askthelookout]

"Aye." He was still smiling, but it was a little sharper. "You have to salvage what you can, in this world and any other." But that was more serious than he was willing to go, so he shook it off, pulling a comical face. "'Course, there's also the bonus that if you rescue books, you've got an easy source of fuel if it all goes to shit. Am I going with you to talk to whatshername? Because this is all well and good, but I don't think I can read aught from this world, so there's better places to leave me, say true."

Her blush hadn't gone unnoticed. Nor had the fact that he thought she was joking, which he hadn't been. Overplaying it, perhaps - it was the only way he knew how to flirt, that almost-mocking suavity - but he had meant it. He almost told her so. But she wouldn't have believed him, and he'd had his fill of trying to figure such things out for now. They'd made it back to friendship. For now, he was more than happy to let it settle there.

[apassingafternoon]

"You can, it's just up here." Thinking of inane things like washing dishes and feeding the animals when she got back home helped to settle the unfortunate predicament of her dumb face. She rubbed at her own cheek as discreetly as possible while walking up the stairs. He was just messing around, that was how Bert was and yet it - It didn't feel like that somehow if she really made herself think about it. Not that it mattered. They were finally in a nice place, why mess it up.

When they made it up Kaine raised her curled fingers to knock on Matilda's but was forced to stop short, the woman herself was already on her own way out. Thankfully she stopped just in time and a full on collision was avoided.

"Kaine! I was wondering when you would come back! It's good to see you!" Said woman wasn't at all prepared for the hug she was wrapped up in, and Matilda, already in something of a rush, immediately noticed Bert and went right on to him. "And whose this? A new resident?"

"Not quite. Bert, this is Matilda, Arpagio's ambassador, or 'dinh' so to speak."

[askthelookout]

Bert bowed, polite for once. "Well met, sai. Long days and pleasant nights to you." Then, offering his hand to shake, "Cuthbert Allgood, son of Robert. I hear you've met Roland, my dinh. Stupidly tall, scowls a lot, face like he was hit with a brick? Ringing any bells?" Smiling gregariously, he leant back against the bannister, the very image of relaxation, and waved one hand. "Kaine wanted to talk to you, in case you were wondering. I'm only along for the ride."

boom. split thread for ya. :3

[toweredingly]

Roland hesitated, just for a moment, before following her. Even then, he stood at the mouth of the alleyway, hands in his pockets, scuffing his boot and looking far younger than he usually did.

It was a moment before he cleared his throat. Another moment before he actually found the words to go with it. "You'll forgive me being concerned."

Whoo!

[gunslingerqueen]

She tensed at the sound of his voice because, like an idiot, she thought it might have been someone else. Someone that needed to be shot. Nariko wiped at her eyes but when she turned around there was no hiding the wet of her eyes or the stains on her cheeks. At least he didn't have to be so alone in it, crying always made her look her age, too. It was horrible.

"What did you think I was going to do?" There was no irritation or implication in her words, rather a morose resignation, as if it was utterly horrible to have made Roland, of all people, feel concern.

[toweredingly]

"I hadn't thought that far," he said, quite frankly, and took a couple of steps towards her, holding out one hand as if she were a frightened animal. His eyes met hers, holding them, and he raised one eyebrow. He could have said some of the things that felt like they were needed: talk to me, let me hold you, don't leave me alone. But words had never been his strong suit. If she couldn't read it in his face and his manner, then it was probably because she wasn't in a place to, and telling her would do no good either.

Or something.

[gunslingerqueen]

Hadn't thought that far. That was exactly like him and of all things it set a pitiful, but genuinely grateful smile on her face. It wobbled at the edges as more tears threatened her, but it was better than nothing, right? Even though it required a half seconds hesitation on her part Nariko took his hand, a little weakly at first, as if she suddenly wasn't sure about this contact despite how often they had gone beyond mere handholding. But in true fashion that went away too and she didn't just hold onto Roland, she half-crashed right into all of that ridiculous height and strength. This was almost humiliating, to finally let him see her breaking down at the roots, but the idea of anything else, and the realization that, yes, she had left him to just Kaine and Bert made any other response impossible.

"This is all stupid! Kaine's terrified and Bert hates everything and I want to punch him in the face as much as I want to hold him and I can't do either because I'm the reason you weren't there! We weren't there! And I don't know how to help you either and that's the worst part of it!" Here she actually managed to sniffle, not that it matched her angry-sad tirade in the least. "Actually, no, the worst of it is knowing that I'm the single worst heir apparent in a line of twenty-eight others who are all rolling in their damn graves! My family is as good as dead because of me and a third of the one I've got here can't stand me! Fuck Farson and fuck wars and fuck everything that decided that everyone had to run instead of stay in their homes! Well and truly drive rusty, diseased nails up their veins and make them fucking suffer for every instant they are alive because even then it won't come near to how utterly horrible I feel and how badly I want to just shoot something and I can't!"

The more she spoke the more thoroughly her fingers clenched at the back of his clothing, borrowed or otherwise. Her tone bounced wildly between unbearable sorrow and thriving anger, and sometimes both versions came together so well that, much like her own feelings, there was no telling which made her cry or which made her shake even as she held onto him.

"And now I look stupid because I hate crying. I fucking loathe crying! I'm supposed to be helping everyone not blubbering like a goddamn idiot and I'm sort of freaked out about Chris, okay?" Those issues didn't go together at all but by now her brain was dumping out everything that needed to go. But it was apparently done for the time being because she took her head from his chest long enough to wipe her eyes, but then went right back to almost hiding herself. Ka help this man if he thought that he needed to do anything but stay right where he was. But speaking of that: "And if you tell me this is all some grand plan I'll dropkick you right here! It might be true but the grand plan is horrible and fucked up!" So just, y'know, pet her hair.

Or something.

[toweredingly]

He was silent for several moments, holding her close and almost absent-mindedly stroking her hair. At last, resting his chin on the top of her head, he said in a low voice, "It's not your duty to help Alain, or Bert. Or me, for that matter. That's my place, not yours." His fingers tangled for a moment in her hair, and he closed his eyes, breathing slow and steady, as if by being close he could pass on some of his hard-won steadiness.

He wasn't even going to touch her mention of Chris. Tomorrow, he promised himself. Tomorrow, that'll be one less thing she has to worry about. Even if part of him wanted to stride off to the gaol right this moment and put a shell through the man's head, he had the sense to know that was a terrible idea. If only because she seemed to need him here. If only because he needed her here, too.

"I'm the one who brought you and your kin to Gilead," he reminded her instead, not pulling away. "And the one who chose to follow you here. It was my choice. My responsibility. Grieve for it, but don't carry it as your own." It isn't as though it's so great a burden to carry, he added silently, with a black kind of humour, not when it's on top of all those generations since the Eld, lost under my watch.