apassingafternoon | hail of arrows

hail of arrows

To graduate from utter silence to the constant roar of Gilead was something else. Though she had been here for over a week now, and would stay for much longer, Kaine was not used to the constant noise. Even at night it felt as if she could hear every shuffle of bodies in sheets and night clothes, every fuck whether positive or not, and all those conversations that were never suited for daylight. It all made sleeping outside difficult, but even lying beside Nariko didn't make it any easier to deal with the walls all around her. They were suffocating. At night and in the day, they threatened to drive Kaine out of her mind.

So she took to wandering around because there wasn't fuck else to do around here, not for her.

Which might have explained catching sight of him towards an edge, around a corner. The specifics weren't relevant, that Kaine saw Bert and spun on her worn down heel and followed him was relevant. It should have also been worrying for her, this unnatural and constant fascination that was tempered by the occasional bout of good sense felt odd. It was a ... Not a problem, but not exactly good. Crushes on men that you hardly knew, that hid the way Cuthbert did, that never let her finish talking the way Cuthbert did couldn't end well.

She followed anyway, and not with any real ounce of subtlety or control. Eventually one of them would have to say something and in her own way she knew he might take that responsibility first. So she followed, and even if Kaine happened to be wrong he was pretty interesting to stare at anyway. Maybe it was the hair.

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"Sure." He considered for a moment, then turned to vanish back into the storeroom, coming back with bottle in hand to pour them each another cup. That little diversion also gave him the chance to consider how he was going to explain.

"It's called the Touch," he said, when he was done. "A kind of magic, you could say. I have it a little, too, but with me it's more of... a sense, I guess? Of people, of their feelings and their needs and their wants. A lot of people have it the way I do. Roland," he added, a little wryly, "has absolutely nothing. Which might be why he's quite such an ass. But Alain's something else." He took a mouthful of his wine, leaning up against the table. "He's not a wizard or anything. Which, given the wizards we've known, is something of a relief. But what some of us feel a little, he feels all the time. He can reach out with it, too, direct it, sometimes even hear what people are thinking. He says it comes in flashes. I say if my mind did that, I'd only let it happen in flashes, too."

He pulled a face, looking down into his wine. "There's a lot of stories about it, and I don't really get it. But I guess he's just more attuned to things than the rest of us. Useful for the rest of us, but I can't imagine it's much fun for him."

The instant her cup was filled she drank. It always felt as if the stuff injected itself right into her blood stream for how warm it made her. The creeping blush that had lingered around her neck and ears now eased to her cheeks and her nose, in part because she was back to taking deep gulps. It was unfair for something so delicious to rob her of her good senses!

"It doesn't seem like it would be, and he seems very nice despite it. Lesser men would probably be basket cases." She paused just to think on it. Feeling all the time, feeling other people all the time. Kaine could barely stand to feel herself most of the time.

"I don't think he's nice despite it. I think he's nice because of it." Cuthbert shrugged, but he was smiling rather fondly. "Although it's amazing that he's managed to be the only one of us who isn't entirely mad." That wasn't even him being self-deprecating, exactly. Even if he might be exaggerating a little, there was no denying that Alain was the only one of their ka-tet to be really grounded, or to have any kind of emotional stability. Bert hid everything he felt behind jokes and sharpness, Jamie was angry all the time, and Roland... well, the less said about Roland's emotional state, the better. With that in mind, Bert had always had to admire Alain's quiet connectedness, even if he also mocked him mercilessly for the emotional openness that came with it.

Of course that would only make it even more impressive, but she didn't say a word about that, she continued to drink and found herself wondering about Cuthbert's hair again. And his face. And his shoulders. Basically, just all of him. It was fine if she was only thinking, right? Not hurting anyone by saying something out of turn. Right? Right. Completely.

"It must be nice to know each other like that, right?" She popped one of the potatoes in her mouth and damn near missed, but didn't appear to notice. "Sure, I have stories about weird animals and keys and lady crushes, but you? You always have people to come back to! And an interestingly named horse."

Because that mattered, too!

"Just one in a string of Glue Boys and Glue Girls, I'm afraid." He smiled crookedly, and added wryly, "Doesn't do to let them forget where they're headed." Then, a little more seriously, "I've never not known them. Ro' and I were raised in the same cradle half the time, and we've been close with Alain since we could toddle. We were all but born an-tet. We played together, we studied together, we've fought together so many times it's like..."

He pulled a face, aware that he might be coming across as a little smug, and took another draught of wine. "Do you know what 'ka-tet' means? One from many. I don't know how much I believe in ka and destiny and all that crap, that's Roland's department. But we're one, all right. That's why I couldn't help hating Susan a little. She took a big part of him. Of us." He looked down at his wine, suddenly morose. "And now Nariko gets the rest."

Well that was depressing ... But if there was some connection between the names and where horses supposedly went then Kaine didn't understand it and she was far too pleasantly buzzed to care. It sounded nice, being that close and interconnected with someone but she couldn't pretend to fully take in the entire meaning, not when she had spent so much of her life alone. And it was ironic that he brought up Nariko just as she thought that!

Snorting gently, Kaine shook her head. "This is why I don't get - why you're so worried about it? Men sort of terrify me but Roland's not really that bad but he's not, ahh," She waved both hands, trying to make some kind of gesture that might explain her thoughts. "You're all like this," She put both hands together in an empty circle as if that would clearly explain ka/an-tet, "But then she's over here, this way," One hand freed itself from a ring to becoming her two first fingers, greatly separated from her other hand. "Roland will always be this," ka/an-tet, "While Nariko will always be this." She waved her fingers around a little but they didn't go near the other hand until both dropped in a full shrug.

"One from many doesn't sound like something that can ever be fractured or even taken away from. Maybe something changes, but that's not the same as losing. Everyone changes. But people like Nariko and I don't get to be ka-anything. She's said as much multiple times, especially in the context of you and Roland. I can't say I don't agree with her."

"That's not really how it... Hold up. Let me just put on my Vannay face." He cleared his throat and proceeded to do just that, putting on an expression of exaggerated seriousness and stroking an imaginary beard. His voice rose a little in pitch, becoming cracked and wavering. Although she had no way of knowing it, his impression of his old teacher was remarkably good, having been perfected over many years. "Ka picks us all up along the way, and carries us along, for we are all one in its path. Enemies and friends, brothers and sons, all those along your path are part of your ka. Ka binds us together, and only ka separates us. And so on and so forth," he added, with a laugh, dropping both the voice and the rest of the impression. "Point is, you and Nariko are an-tet. You just don't know it. And she's a part of his ka, now, for good or ill. And so of mine, I guess, and Alain's and Jamie's too. It's not as simple as you make it out to be."

Foreknowledge or not the impression was still quite funny, especially with how thoroughly invested Bert seemed in portraying it. She could have told him that she understood all of that perfectly well, that the problem wasn't necessarily in the definitions themselves, rather in dealing with a woman who refused to accept such rules in the first place.

"An-tet implies some transparency, some amount of honesty, and that's the last thing we have between one another." And for so many reasons she quickly moved on from that lovely comment. "In any case, I know it isn't at all simple but I suppose if you think she might tell you the truth, then you should ask her what she thinks of all that. You'll see what I mean, then." Right now she wouldn't be able to explain, and maybe couldn't even in a normal state because she ultimately agreed. People who had spent their lives alone or feeling isolated - even if they were part of a grand, intricate scheme - would never fully integrate into a group no matter what the omniscient force happened to be. Nariko had long convinced herself that she would always be second to Roland, and so by default she had already closed a large part of herself off from Roland. Kaine found a loophole from her fate, from her own pain, but she was still unable to connect with anyone in any meaningful way.

Really, it was all an obnoxious mess. "Anyway. Ducks."

"...Ducks," he repeated, clearly confused, and raised one eyebrow. "Sure. What about ducks?" Maybe the wine had been a bad idea. On the one hand, she seemed to be relaxing a bit more. On the other hand, they'd just gone from a serious discussion of ka and khef to, apparently, waterfowl. He was the only one around here who was supposed to baffle people like that.

"They're cute."

For as upset as Kaine happened to be with her friend over particular matters that predated Roland, Cuthbert, and really all of Gilead, she knew when to shut her mouth. Those things felt private, reserved, away from the rest of the world. If ka tried to insist that Kaine share those intimate matters then ka could fuck off because ducks.

"And I feel warm." She should, considering that her face and neck had graduated into a full, almost-strawberry red . "Possibly I should ... Not drink anymore."

Said while she tipped the cup past her lips.

"Possibly you're right." Bert pulled a face, draining his own cup and reaching out to pluck hers out of her hand. "Not that red isn't your colour, but that kind of warmth can't be a good sign. You don't drink much, do you?" Teasing, but only gently. If he'd known she was this susceptible to alcohol, he probably wouldn't have offered her wine in the first place.

"Come on," he said, after a moment. "We should get out from under the cooks' feet."

She lifted her arm to try and keep it from him, instead reaching for the bottle. "Nope! Not even a little! Last time I drank I ..." Her eyes were unfocused but, suddenly, she looked troubled by something and she decided to get rid of it by pouring. "Well it really wasn't all that good, but if you'd like to go somewhere then let's go!"

Kaine could walk herself just fine! She only leaned to the right just a bit, just slightly off the center, and if she needed to be sharp and in control then she would be but right now it was a non-threatening, easy state to be in.

"Let's hope this time isn't as bad," he offered, with a crooked smile. "Although if you keep drinking at this rate, it might well be." Laughing, he stuck his hands in his pockets and started towards the door, half-turning to give Anis a little wave. She looked up, glowering, and didn't wave back. Cuthbert pulled a face as he turned back to Kaine.

"Well, there went a carefully-cultured friendship," he said cheerily, and held the door open for her on the way out. "I'd make a comment about women, only I'm a little worried you'd rearrange my face for me. And I can't be having that. Not a face as beautiful as mine!"

Nothing could be as bad but even in this state she wouldn't say that if only because there was a fifty-fifty chance that he might inquire. As they left she glanced over at Anis with a too-pleased smirk on her face as they went out the door. "It'll be fine, smile at her again and maybe give her a wink and say I'm a horrible bitch. That should work."

She half patted his shoulder in a way that was probably meant to be comforting in some strange way. "I am not sure any comments about women make sense for me! Say what you will. And your face is very pretty."

"I kennit." He smirked, preening. He wasn't drunk, but he didn't have to be drunk to make slightly bad decisions; it was just an instinctive response to being called good-looking. "Shame she does too. Women who think you're pretty always seem to think they've got a claim on you. Especially if they're pretty too."

"Because it's usually a competition for women. If they aren't aggressive there might not be a chance at all. You're attractive, smart, a gunslinger, if a woman wakes up admitting that she doesn't feel very pretty, her face looks too fat and nothing looks good on her then, well, someone else will come and take it. You have to go in for it." The hand that held the cup waved forward a little as if to say now having pointed that out, "At the very least this is what I hear from the more experienced. Men get what they want by being strong or attractive or smooth. Women get what they want by being harder than they appear. S'how it is."

She said it very simply, without upset or self-deprecation. None of that really applied to her but it was what she'd managed to see in other women in both worlds. Even Nariko, with all of her physical beauty, exhibited the same mannerisms and it had always been out of a deeply rooted fear that a lot of women appeared to share. It was one detail Kaine had been grateful to sidestep.

Cuthbert considered that for a moment, rather thoughtfully. "Guess you've got a point," he allowed after a moment. "Honestly, the whole thing's beyond me. I tend to just take it as it comes. But I know for a fact I'm not the first or last gunslinger Anis has fucked, so why she thinks she's got a claim on me or me on her..." He shrugged, hands spread. "That's what I mean about women. And some men. Always seems to end up being about owning, like there's one person and one person and that's it. Just look at Roland."

Screwing his face up, he held out one hand for the bottle. "Wine?"

"It's difficult to get people out of your head when you want them." And that was all she could really say about it since, in the very grand scheme of things, her experience happened to be very limited. She was barely eighteen and had only reacted to two people in her entire life. Not exactly the best position to give advice from. "I've gotta say, I'd almost think they're alike in that, needing to find that sense of completion in someone else."

She poured for him and then herself, her color only intensifying with each passing moment. "It's stupid. And complicated. And really fucking stupid. All of it." But even Kaine hadn't been able to avoid it so there was still that.

"You'll get no arguments from me. I've seen first-hand just how stupid it can be, remember?" He shrugged, taking a sip of wine. "Too many people think you complete yourself with someone you want to fuck. Seems to me, if you need someone else to complete you, it ought to at least be someone you like."

Pulling a face, he reached out to take the wine bottle from her, wanting to check how much was left. "Hells, I don't even see why it ought to be just one person. I could surround myself with people I liked and wanted to fuck, wouldn't that make me more complete than just one?"

Okay, so maybe he was starting to get a little tipsy himself now.

"No, fucking isn't the same as having sex with someone you love! That's completing, that's good. And by default you do like the person you're in love with." There was no hiding the mournful quality of her tone, but the underlying hint of frustration was deeply buried and singed at her insides. "I don't think the person you love is supposed to complete you they're just supposed to help make you better by default." And she had experienced that, lost it, and didn't know how to stop her seemingly endless mourning of the whole deal.

"But going back and forth and crying over everything and whining about everything and being upset about everything is just--" She actually flailed a bit more wildly than she meant to, this wasn't tipsy, now, this was nearing a very drunken state. "Too much! Life is too short! Every other fucking thing in the world is so complicated, why make your own business just as involved? That's stupid."

"Whoa!" He ducked out of the way of her flailing arm, maybe a little overdramatically. Not overdramatically enough to spill any wine, though. He had a little more self-control than that. "Calm down, there. I don't want a black eye over this conversation." Laughing, he straightened up and topped up his cup, knocking about half of it back. "I'm pretty sure you should stop drinking round about now. Or at least do it somewhere you can sit down when you get all light-headed."

She stuck her tongue out at him briefly which only proved how mature and eloquent she was, obviously. But as if to mirror him she cleaned out her own cup and even though she wanted more there was no such thing as indulging in it. The unsteadiness was kicking in right along with the light and floaty feeling, the weightlessness that could make some feel brave.

"So sit. We sit. We can sit." She corrected herself three times, "Just lead the way," And then, because she was so very gone, Kaine patted his hair almost affectionately. "You have better hair than me, this isn't right. I'm a girl. I have to have better hair."

"I don't see why." Cuthbert stuck his tongue out at her right back, flipping his hair back rather smugly. "Don't be jealous, just because I was blessed with beauty as well as brains. Your hair's very pretty too." That wasn't a lie. He liked her hair, which caught the evening light and turned it into gold. It did remind him briefly, though, of Susan, and of fine gold hairs caught on Roland's jerkin. That made his smile falter a little, at least until he washed the thought away with another mouthful of wine, setting off towards the gardens Nariko had been working in.

"Girls don't get better hair just because they're girls," he said, as he walked. "That wouldn't be fair. They already have better bodies and don't have to shave every morning."

"We have to shave in weeks, not mornings, but it's still the same irritating task. And, yes, women do have amazing, perfect, soft bodies, but men really aren't so bad either." No other statement could encapsulate Kaine's romantic and sexual interests, and of course she didn't realize it any. "And thank you for complimenting my hair it's," She reached up to toy with her own, the darker roots, the pale blonde that always appeared unnatural to her own eyes. It caught gold in the sun, yes, and she loathed that color vehemently. "It should be soft because I think my mother's was? We're supposed to inherit this kind of thing from our parents."

Granted, her hair was perfectly soft and even quite easy to take care of! It barely made it beyond her shoulders but the strangeness of it just bothered her.

"Men have good bodies too." He shrugged, entirely unconcerned. "But they're not nearly so soft. Or if they are, it's because they're fat. Fine for fucking, not so good for hugging." There were people in Gilead who would think he was strange or inverted for seeing men that way, sure. But so far as he was concerned, those people could go and take a flying fuck off the top of a tower. "And I've never known a woman to shave, besides some whores of my acquaintance. I mean, what would be the point? The only people who'll see where women grow hair are the exact people who ought not to care."

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