apassingafternoon | between two points

between two points

The journey was largely uneventful.

They passed some angry yaks and Kaine's 'skirt' fell off and she squealed before she fumbled it back on but that was about the extent of things. It took the entire afternoon and the sun had long fallen by the time her home/little compound made itself known, even against the mountains. Just as she had thought the lights were on inside and her animals made their familiar, happy shuffling noises. Shivering, Kaine didn't bother to explain a damn thing just yet, no matter how many questions might linger on Alain and Cuthbert's tongues. She undid the strings to her gate to let them in and then quickly closed and retied it from the other side to help keep the wolves out.

As they traveled up the little stone path to her door Kaine could smell dinner and suddenly she knew with frightening clarity that Roland and Nariko hadn't gone anywhere. Maybe into town but returning to Roland's world wasn't currently on their mind. That didn't bother her but she knew it would only further aggravate Bert who was already in a shit mood and poor Alain who was in pain and shouldn't have been traveling at all.

Kaine opened her door and sighed even as she heard a gun unholstering and knew from its soft whistle that it was Nariko's.

"You're not shooting me in my own fucking house," Kaine said, raising a brow at her best friend. Her ex-lover. "... How did you even find a dress that tight?"

Because it was certainly that, a rich blue and figure hugging, paired well with her dark hair left down, too genuinely Nariko-ish for Kaine to believe this was some odd dream she was still having in the corners of her brain. They were here and Nariko was alive. Roland was alive. Kaine couldn't see the telltale ring on either of them. That crazy bitch-god had kept her word and brought her back, let Roland go find her. Kaine had never believed in anything but even though her expression remained deadpan she suddenly wanted to praise any God that might listen to her.

"Wei." Nariko answered but her voice was thin and uncomprehending. "Why are you - how?" Her eyes darted to Alain and Cuthbert as if unable to fully understand their existence, Kaine could clearly see her friend trying to puzzle out what the hell was going on but she gave up halfway through. Her gun went back to the table and Kaine gave up before she started and let herself be pulled back into those familiar, warm arms, the protective grip.

"I'm home." She didn't know if anyone heard it, didn't really care. Shit was going to hit her own fan, but Kaine earned these few seconds.

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He knew she was baiting him. Of course he knew. But every single one of those barbs hit home, and before he really had time to think about it, he was on his feet, his fists raised. Anger pulsed through him like a heartbeat, anger and grief and an incredible weariness. He swung for her jaw, his full weight behind the blow, moving with a gunslinger's speed...

...and stopped, his fist a few inches from making contact. His eyes were stinging and his breath came in hoarse rasps, but those rasps sounded a lot like laughter. "Good try," he said, bitterly, letting his hand drop to his side. "Bringing the girls into it. Nice touch. Did Ro' put you up to this, or did you come up with it all on your own?"

Spitting to one side, he turned on his heel to head up the path. "You don't want this. Go home."

It wouldn't have been difficult to move out of the way. Her speed had always been unnatural, bordering on eerie, but this time she didn't put it to use. Didn't flinch, didn't cry out, just waited for it, for something that never came. Really, it shouldn't have surprised her that he knew all along, but what hurt and stung worse than poison in her gut was that he knew it and still said all of that.

The shock of that was enough to keep her glued in place and she only heard those words in passing. Without thinking she turned to his back and reached out, felt the tips of her fingers claw and catch onto, of all things, his belt.

But, really, what else was there to do? What was the point in holding on to someone who wanted everything but to be held onto? Kaine knew the answer just as well as anyone with a clear head might but she still hated it. She really hated being in love and yet that was what kept her here for a last second, wanting a miracle.

He froze, mid-step, as her fingers snagged his belt. He could have pulled free. She was fast, maybe, but he was stronger, and a belt was hardly the strongest handhold in the world. But he froze instead, the only movement the rising wind that whipped at his hair and his jerkin. The tendons stood proud of his neck, every muscle in his body whiplash-tight. When he spoke, though, his voice cracked like a boy's.

"What the hell do you want?" It was meant to sound accusing. It didn't; it sounded desperate. "What the hell am I supposed to do? Break your jaw so I can feel worse and you can feel like you've done your duty? Fall down and cry?" He reached back to wrap his hand around her wrist. His fingers were like ice. "Like that'll bring them back? Just let me alone, will you? Just let me have time!" That was almost a sob.

She had felt this pulling, tearing sensation years ago. It was like invisible hands searching around for the seams that held the rest of her together, trying to rip her apart where it mattered. Everything in Bert's mannerisms gave her that feeling, from the anger in his body to the contrasting sadness in his voice. The larger part of her wanted to run away. She was tired, angry with herself, angry with him, angry with everything. The other part ...

Her wrist turned to grab at his. Kaine was fast, not strong. Nariko was far slower but one punch from her had sent people reeling. Kaine had seen that, marveled at that kind of weight in one body that was, ultimately, quite small. Kaine wished she was strong because she pulled on his wrist with all of her weight but didn't know if that might be enough to get him to tumble into her arms. But she tried, even if she was a little afraid he might push her away and down the steps and that would put an end to ever speaking to him.

So it was stupid, but she tried and clawed, suddenly, with greater force as if that might account for her small frame.

"I'll go after this!" After she could hug him, even if he pushed her and she broke her stupid, emotional head open. "You can be alone all night after this!" So he could just shut up and bear it for a little while longer! At least, that was what Kaine wanted to say but couldn't. This was taking up the last of her energy so ... Just one shot and all that.

Had he thought that her insults had stung? Had he really? It was nothing compared to this. He didn't even have an explanation for how it felt, suddenly, as if he was breaking open. It was too much. All of it, too much. And it hurt, not like a broken leg hurts, but like betrayal hurts; a punch in the chest, a twist in the gut. He didn't just let himself be pulled into her arms, he clung to her with an almost violent desperation, the way a drowning man might cling to a piece of wood he knows is too small to keep him afloat.

He didn't cry. That was something, at least, even if it felt like it might be only that there were too many tears to come out at once. But his cold fingers clenched into claws against her sweater, and he buried his face against her shoulder, his breath coming in rags and tatters. All the strength seemed to have gone out of him.

If there had been time for it Kaine would have been utterly shocked. How did this work? How was this the right answer? And why hadn't she trusted her instincts? Who knew. Who cared. Maybe she was just a tad too small but she lifted her arms and put them around his middle, palms laid flat on his shoulder blades. She squeezed him just about as hard as he clung to her, and even if she occasionally shuddered Kaine wouldn't say a word on it.

Of course it was entirely possible that none of this would help or that it might only be temporary. She would keep her word if that was the case, and leave him alone when they parted. But at least something had come out of all that. Getting over everything that had been said would take time, but that was later.

Right now he let her hold him and she couldn't remember the last time she felt so utterly grateful.

It was a long time before he managed to get hold of himself again, and another few moments before he trusted that grip on his sanity enough to loosen his grip on her sweater. "You didn't dodge," he said, his voice husky with unshed tears, and took a deep, steadying breath. "If I hadn't pulled that punch, it would probably have broken something. Mine or yours." And, for all that he was still shaking perceptibly in her grip, there was something of the old Cuthbert in his voice, a wry sarcasm that slipped back into place with more ease than he'd imagined. "Me breaking my knuckles on a woman's face really would be the perfect end to a perfect day, wouldn't it?"

Then, more seriously, after another moment had passed, "I tried to get them out. Rebecca's girls. I put them on Glue Girl and headed them out of the city as soon as we knew Farson was on his way. They're probably still dead. But I tried."

That was the kind of ridiculous humor and attitude that she expected. The kind that was less about hiding things and more of just ... Just more of the man she had feelings for.

"Well, it's entirely possible they met Eunyce and Yonah on the way and if they did, they'll be just fine." But they had no way of knowing that. Even if they managed to return in a timely manner they'd be too far along to reasonably catch up with. "... And I know it would have. But better that than everything else that you might do that scares me. I heal quick on this side of things." To the point where hurting her in any lasting way was quite difficult, but she didn't need to explain that now. Instead she let her palms skate over his back and shoulders. He was freezing and it made her want to drag him inside, but this was hardly the time to push her luck.

"... You know I didn't mean any of what I said, right? Not a single bit."

"What does it matter if you meant it or not? You said nothing that wasn't true." She couldn't see it, but his mouth was set in a hard line, his dark eyes staring over her shoulder and down at the lights of the house. "Nor did I. Both of us were aiming to wound, but that doesn't make it lying."

He closed his eyes again, swallowing, and said slowly, "I cry your pardon for it, though. You've taken the brunt of this. And I haven't yet thanked you, but damned if I can't attack you anyroad." A bitter, ironic kind of laugh. "I'm a generous man that way."

Didn't that mean he really thought of her that way? Like a ... Not that it mattered. Why would it? If only telling herself that made it sting less. "I didn't say any of that because I believed it, and I didn't do it with the desire to hurt you either, that's why it matters." It was just a way to make him react but Kaine hadn't possessed the foresight to see the obvious fault in the method. She could lie if it really came to it but Bert was honest. And he might as well have called her a desperate slut.

"Be generous enough to at least take my sweater, or take blankets if you're determined to sleep with the roses and hydrangeas." Assuming they were there at all. Everything would be easier if he would just come back in the house and settle in the final, necessary guest room but she had made a promise.

He considered for a moment, then shook his head, pulling away a little. "I'll come in," he said, his voice rather muted, and shrugged. "Guess I'll have to sooner or later, unless I want to be a permanent fixture up here." Now that he'd pulled away from her warmth, he could feel the cold more sharply again. Grimacing, he wrapped his arms around himself and nodded down the path towards the house. "Lead on. I'll follow."

She let him go and, for the first time, with some amount of gratuity. Even though he had very clearly stated there was nothing ahead for them, and they were probably lucky to have even made it to 'friends that kiss' for a single night she hadn't figured he thought so lowly of her. As such where there might have been sympathy for the cold he was just now feeling there was only vague awareness.

"Good." And that was it. She took him down the path, around the house, and willed Nariko to hear her through the often creepy link they shared in this world. If Roland wasn't still in the kitchen, if they'd gone off to bed this would be easier.

One way or the other Kaine opened the front door and only allowed her hope to extend to getting him upstairs and to the end of the hall.

Luckily for them all, Roland had already gone upstairs. The horn had gone with him, carried like a burden but carried nonetheless. The house, therefore, was still and quiet when Kaine and Cuthbert returned to it.

Warmth hit him like a wave. He hadn't realised just how much he'd been numbed by the cold until the feeling came back into his fingers in sharp, aching waves. Flexing them experimentally, he looked around the room as if he'd never seen it before - which, really, he hadn't. He'd taken some of it in on instinct when they'd arrived, but Cort would have been apoplectic at just how much he'd let his surroundings be swamped out by grief and rage. He rubbed his hands together to make the blood flow properly, looking around with some interest as he followed her in.

But wonder only sustained him so long. After a moment, he looked away from his surroundings, back to her. "Am I sleeping with you, or with Al? For I'd sooner not sleep alone."

With a little sigh of relief Kaine headed towards the stairs, wonder or not. By the time she reached the foot of them he had posed his question and the answer came without much thought. "Alain. He's knocked out so don't worry much about getting him up." They would probably be lucky if he was conscious for breakfast, come to think of it. She motioned for him to follow her, the very act halfhearted as she suddenly realized how damn tired she was.

Upstairs she gave basic directions, "That one is mine, the bathroom is here, Roland and Nariko are just before the other stairs, and Alain is in there." There were two other doors, both on the opposing wall, "The other one is the last guest room if you ever want it." And the final one was her parents room, but that wasn't worth mentioning. "Do you need anything else?" Because if not, well, Kaine had already placed herself in front of her own door.

He looked, for a moment, as if he might say something. Then he shook his head, turning to head into the room where Alain was sleeping. "I don't think so. Thankee, sai." He'd reverted back to a curious kind of stiffness that felt strangely foreign now. Why, he couldn't say. But he managed a smile for her, before vanishing into the guest room.

That words lingered in him wasn't her concern in the slightest. It had taken a good bit of time but Kaine was finally at the end of her rope. He went inside and she exhaled, half of her weight and awareness seeming to go with her breathe. For a moment her own door was considered but eventually she walked the short way over to another one and knocked very gently. If not for Roland she would have just gone inside but flouncing in on a couple, one that had been allotted their own space and both quick enough to shoot her head off? Shitty idea.

So she knocked and it was Nariko's voice that arched beyond the door that Kaine barely opened. "I almost have no idea why you didn't just say who you were before you came in." Almost, because Nariko was only an idiot about certain matters. Kaine's issue with Roland, her fear of 'invading' something, was not on the list of particular matters.

"Did I wake you up?" Even when she stepped inside Kaine was unnaturally timid. Her usual, stoic composure was nowhere to be found, and she looked at Roland doubtfully, as if he might snarl at her and demand she leave. He wouldn't, and they both knew it (the idea did make Nariko giggle, though).

Kaine's answer was the book in her friends hand, lifted up. The little desk lamp was one but the rest of her now shared room was bathed in darkness. If Roland wanted to pretend to sleep then she might as well help him, right? But Nariko didn't expect it to come anytime soon, even with her husband beside her, better to keep her mind busy than let it roam free.

"Can I ..." Kaine's voice trailed off, and again, she looked between Roland and Nariko. Stay with you practically begged to be spoken but it hung in the air, instead. It seemed Kaine was a little short on bravery, too.

Rolling over, Roland pushed himself up on his elbows and gave up on the facsimile of sleep. It wasn't, apparently, likely to save him from people talking, and since that was the entire point of pretending to sleep (well, that and the vague hope that pretence might become reality) there was no point in continuing the act.

"So far as I'm concerned, you can," he said, after a moment. "Did you find Bert?"

It was just casual enough to disguise his worry. Frankly, the fact that Kaine didn't look like she'd been punched suggested that either she hadn't found Cuthbert, or Cuthbert's mood hadn't been quite what Roland had expected. Either way, that didn't seem to bode well.

"He was on the steps, and he's with Alain now." Permission was all she had needed so Kaine crossed the distance, lifted the blankets on Nariko's side without any real sense of hesitation, not anymore, and took up the other side of her friend. The mattress could have easily held four people total, so Kaine's slimmer frame was nothing to worry about. She pulled her side of the covers up enough to reach her chest, and laid on her back. Nariko did not need to be asked to pet her hair, she simply went about it as her free hand kept a hold of her book.

"He called me a bitch in heat," There was the bitterness that Kaine had gripped onto until she could tell it to Nariko. "And then asked if he could stay with me." There was a defeated sigh, there, because even though she was upset it wasn't in her to really frame this incorrectly. "To be fair it was a choice between Alain or I." It sounded as if the effort to be fair was near physically painful for her. "That doesn't even make any sense."

"No one makes sense when they are upset." Nariko hummed in that thoughtful, considering way that Kaine had become used to. "But I'm glad you put him with Alain. I think that was the right decision, considering."

"I guess." And yet to the observant Kaine very obviously relaxed underneath that approval. "I'm so fucking tired."

"Lucky," Nariko commented idly, and turned a page.

Ah. So that was how he'd struck out at her. Roland actually relaxed a little at that; if Bert was being an ass and hitting out at people he cared for, that meant the world was probably still spinning. Even if it also meant there was going to be a hell of a mess to clear up for all concerned.

"I'd offer to slap some sense into him, but I'm not so sure I'm the man for the job just at the moment." Lying back down, he stared up at the ceiling for a moment before adding, "Alain may be able to talk him out of being quite such an ass, though."

"It's fine." Kaine huffed in a decidedly not-fine way and added, "Alright, it's bullshit and I feel stupid, but I mean that it doesn't really matter in the end. He's made the situation clear and I won't prove him right, either. It was what it was for a little while. Now it's nothing." And yet her 'nothing' was just about as valid as her 'fine'. She sounded like a downtrodden teenager attempting to cover the hurt with cool apathy because that was exactly what Kaine was doing, all she knew to do. At the very least it was a positive that she wasn't bursting tears everywhere but there was such a thing as being too exhausted to physically cry.

"... Thank you, though, for the would-be offer. I appreciate it." That much was spoken very sincerely and brought an immediate smile to Nariko's face. Roland and Kaine had barely spoken to one another and the latter had been overwhelmingly concerned about matters that weren't her place. But, now, through the oddest of circumstances there was more than a slim note of approval in Kaine's tone. It meant half the world to Nariko even if it didn't matter to the other two. "I should have listened and just let it be. Not bothered with anyone else."

"Right, because spending every waking moment of your life alone, without anyone to talk to, to even be mad at, is so much better. You were so happy living that way before that you hopped into another world just for shits and giggles. That's so ideal that your being here," In the bed, with Nariko and Roland. "Is just an unsettling twist in logic." Nariko's voice was a cross between Stern Parent and Utterly Deadpan, but Kaine only huffed in response again, and maybe poked at Nariko's side so that she would wiggle.

"We get our strength from those around us," Roland agreed, rather meditatively. "Trying to live life alone is like trying to build a wall out of one stone. It won't fall, but you won't achieve jackshit with it, either."

He fell silent for a moment, considering. At last, he added quietly, "I wouldn't hold too strong to anything he said tonight. Most of his strength came down with Gilead. You aren't the only one like to be thinking it would hurt less to stand alone."

And he knew that feeling very, very intimately.

Kaine thought on this for a long few moments and the initial flare of denial, the utter need to refute those words and that thought slowly ebbed into acceptance.

"I can somewhat manage that." It was too much to expect in a way, it was going to hurt and sting no matter what but Kaine didn't think that was what Roland meat. To lessen the force of her irritation ... She could do that. Yes, 'manage' was a good word for that. Nariko put her book off to the side and finally settled down under the blankets. Kaine took up one side, her head tucked just above Nariko's heartbeat. "I guess I just wish I could have been more helpful, but maybe I'm just not the right person for it."

She yawned, the desire to sleep thick in her voice, but it would be an extra moment before it really began to settle in her.

"I don't think it's that, sweetheart."

"You can only help those who want to be helped," Roland offered after a moment, closing his eyes. That was a lesson he was still struggling with, but that didn't mean it wasn't true. Sometimes, all you could do was let people know you were there. Sometimes, you couldn't even do that.

Sometimes, you couldn't be there at all. But that was a dark trail, one he had no wish to follow. That trail led to nightmares of falling walls and bloodied streets, fire and ash and desecration in the only place he'd ever called home. He wasn't willing to tread that path just yet. Better to focus on hers.

"It's not your duty to help him, anyroad. It's mine. And when he can look at me without wanting to spit, I'll get to it."

"Maybe it's not, but I wasn't trying because it's a 'duty', I was trying because I thought we were friends, and because he is important to me. Was. Is." That huffing noise, again. "Whatever. You get what I mean." Her eyes finally closed, her breathing slowed and Kaine hovered dangerously close to the border of conscious and unconsciousness.

When Nariko leaned over kiss Roland's cheek (she couldn't reach his lips without Kaine fussing, and the other girl was already making an insistent noise) it was gentle and sweet, and her free hand tried to find his.

"Thank you." He didn't have to let Kaine share their bed, of all things. For a man who insisted he wasn't kind Roland still found a way to disprove that, to enforce something Nariko would never be stupid enough to shove in anyone's face. He was as kind as the world allowed him to be. The only problem was that the world was never kind, but that only made her appreciate it to the fullest extent.

Roland took her hand, rolling onto his side to kiss her cheek in return. "For what?" Shaking his head, he turned onto his back, closing his eyes again, but didn't let go of her hand. "We all need our sleep. You should try to rest."

As if sleep was likely for either of them. He certainly couldn't feel it coming on. His arm was aching, and that was the most manageable of the pains he felt. But he lay there, holding her hand, and let his breathing smooth back out into low, shallow waves, and waited for pretence to become reality.

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between two points

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Dammit Bert :'l

he's such a dick wow I am so sorry

It's okay she will bottle up her feelings and never speak of anything again! Because that's healthy!

I feel ya Kaine. I feel ya.

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